Swirling Vortex

In Memoriam

2010-07-06T15:49:00.003-06:00

Wow - this year has flown by. I don't know that I have much to say, but I've recently been asked by a couple of folks who I'm REALLY bad at keeping in touch with to "update the damn blog already" so I thought I would - here's all the news that's fit to print.

BUT FIRST - a disclaimer. I think that there are times in your life that are for action, and there are times in your life that are for letting all those actions and reactions sit and stir around in your head, percolatin' as it were. Apparently, this last 6 months or so has been the time for action, and boy has it ever! So...when not in the "percolating period" I find that I do very little writing - and that's my excuse - for not writing, for lacking wit and insight in this post, etc.

...after 11 years and 146000 mls, I think I'm about to have to say goodbye to my most constant traveling companion - Morgan, my silver Mustang.
Once, in 2005, when we roadtripped from MS-->Chicago-->Milwaukee-->Cleveland-->New York City-->North Carolina-->Nashville and back to MS, I stopped for an oil change in North Carolina. They discovered there that when I'd gotten the last oil change in MISSISSIPPI, the techs had neglected to replace the oil cap. Not only was there no damage - the oil cap was still sitting there under my hood - waiting for someone to notice it.
We've traveled on long, grueling road trips with no stops - 13 hours overnight straight through to NC for a wedding once (and back 2 days later). 20 hours to Denver (although we stopped overnight in MO). I drove that car off the lot in August of 1999. Drove it from Jackson to Vicksburg, then back to Clinton for a movie. I wish I remembered what the movie was.
I got in the most serious trouble I've ever been in in March of 2003 in Oxford MS in that car - had to leave him at a gas station while some other folks gave me a ride.
He's seen me through 2 relationships I thought might be the one...and he drove me out west to home in the arms of the one who is.
He's gotten me to interviews on time, and despite my lack of direction - we always find our way to where we're going.
We've been together for 11 years straight (minus the 9 months I lived in Chicago), and Morgan I don't really know how I'm going to get used to driving another car. It won't ever be the same...I'll probably end up with some 4 door sedan that drives well in the snow. It won't hug corners or accelerate with the strength and pure ambition you've got.
This past weekend he pulled out his most magnificent feat to date. On the way up the mtn in traffic at 6pm on the holiday weekend - Morgan started to overheat. We rushed forward to the closest exit and when we pulled up in Georgetown, he started to steam. But rather than give up - we armed ourselves with gallons of water bottles and started up Berthoud pass... Morgan made it up that mountain and back down again AND got us to the emergency room when there was a slight incident with a knife and an avocado over the weekend.
There's nothing that car can't do. But alas - the owner's manual stops telling you how to take care of your car at 150,000 mile and I can assume that Ford doesn't believe there's any possible way he might last that long. And the last 2 years have been full of numerous repairs and system overhauls...I think it's time to think about moving on. (Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks in it...this will most certainly be the same!)
But here, Morgan in your honor, a list of the trips we've been on (the ones I can remember at least)
- countless trips to St. Louis and back (once with most of the contents of my life as well as two other people packed inside)
- many times from St. Louis to Memphis or Vicksburg to Memphis
- all over Mississippi
- Jackson to the MS and AL gulf coasts
- Jackson MS to Raleigh, NC
- Vicksburg to Chicago
- Chicago to Milwaukee and back
- Chicago to Cleveland OH, by way of the Canadian border where we were unceremoniously denied entry and the contents of Morgan's trunk were mocked (I SAID there were a lot of shoes!)
- Ohio to NYC
- NYC to Chapel Hill, NC
- Chapel Hill to Ashville, NC
- Ashville to Nashville, TN
- Nashville to MS
- Jackson, MS to Denver, CO
- Denver to Santa Fe, NM

Thank you's

2009-11-18T12:51:00.002-07:00

Periodically, I resolve to say "thank you" for something every day. It was part of my new year's resolution to do it, and write it down everyday...I did that for about 3 months, but I do still remember to lift up a silent "thank you" MOST days!

However, today I thought I'd send out some of those THANK YOU's to the ether...or wherever this internet goes :)

Thank you for plenty of work, and work that I love (most of the time). I know that times are particularly rough right now, and I am so grateful. Thank you for my sisters, who have exciting things going on left and right, and make me proud. Thank you for my beloved, and for almost 4 years of loving, and standing side by side. Thank you for an incredible family of friends, all strong, peaceful, beautiful people. Thank you for beautiful family who share my blood, and all the memories we carry together. Thank you for bringing me to a place like Colorado, full of all of nature's glory. Thank you for a steady stream of guests in our home, and for the ability to buy our own house this year, beginning the creation of a warm home to offer up. Thank you for books borrowed and lent, and the exchange of knowledge. Thank you for friends lost along the way, for all of the strength and goodness they've offered to enrich my life. Thank you for a wide world to explore and enjoy. Thank you for art, particularly, of course, for theatre to open our eyes, and feed our souls. Thank you for all the excitement of new babies, and new unions that the future is holding. Thank you for an exceptional adaptation of Maurice Sendak's WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE by Spike Jonze, and for a night off to share it with beloved. Thank you for cell phones and the internet which are frustrating and sometimes feel overly complicated, but which do keep me connected to so many dear people. Thank you for a full, busy life, and for moments of peace to keep us grounded. Thank you for our darling kitty, Tres, for the laughter and joy that he brings our home. Thank you for a refrigerator full of food, and for the lack of want that has always surrounded my life. Thank you for the simple joy of a cup of coffee first thing on a cold morning. Thank you for my trusty car, Morgan, for holding up for so long, and seeing me through more than a few adventures. Thank you for live music, and dancing your ass off; letting your spirit sing out. Thank you for my rich montage of memories, and the lessons they offer up to me. Thank you for humour, and wit, and most of all, for laughter. Thank you for the gift of good health. Thank you for the long line of babies, children, and young people that life has provided me. Without them, I would never get out of my head. Thank you for almost 30 years of a gorgeous life, and to the ones ahead...as many as there may be, and full of mystery, Thank you.

Well, that sure feels good. Thank you for reading.

In my life...

2009-10-19T12:41:00.002-06:00

My friend died - 16 years ago today. He was 16 years old. He's been gone now for as long as he was on this earth, and I was lucky enough to know him for most of the 16 years ago. He was my brother, three years older than me - uber protective. The closest thing I've ever known to a brother.

The things I remember about him are: he was funny- we laughed all the time, he always let me ride with him on church trips, he loved his mom and dad so much, and when he was around his 6 year old sister - well, she was the apple of his eye. He was serious, and genuine, he cared a lot about things and loved a lot. Northwestern was his dream school - he'd wanted to paint the NW in purple paint on the walls of his bedroom at the cabin he and his dad were working on renovating the day that his car crashed. I spent a lot of time at that cabin with his family, and the family of friends that we created afterwards. His absence was always there. He wanted to be a doctor, he would have been a great one. He loved to be outside, and on stage. He was an actor, singer, athlete, band geek, choir nerd, and churchgoer. He kept me involved in youth group, and he was a little afraid of my dad. He was the only teenager that my mom would let me ride with. He was the only kid I knew who had his own telephone line at home. Fall days always make me think of him because of the day that 5 of us went horse back riding at my folks place.

On the day he died, I got a call from my friend Ashley. I was watching Full House and had just gotten home from riding lessons. I told my mom, she didn't believe it, so we started calling folks from the church. I spent most of that week at Rie Rie's house, or she at mine. We all talked on the phone a lot, when we weren't together. It rained at the funeral, it rained most of that week. Rie and her mom came over the next day, we made cheese quesadillas and cleaned out my mom's car. One night I woke up in the middle of the night, put on my jeans and stood outside in the rain crying. When my mom and I returned home from the funeral, Tears in Heaven played on the radio. "The Green Room" - the club that we'd all started to benefit our local theatre still met - although we just cried together. The friends that I had then will always be so close to my heart. Some of us have lost touch, some of us have lost faith - but in my heart, we're all still those bereft teenagers, and all that I have is love for those kids.

In the years to come we would meet at his grave. Some folks brought guitars - we decorated the site with little mementos of our lives, things he would have liked, or should have been a part of. I went there byself quite a bit, just laid down and chatted with him. Had he lived, perhaps we would have grown apart, perhaps he wouldn't always have been my older brother, perhaps I wouldn't have called him in college, when I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life, or when a romance went awry. But I hope I would have.

Jeremy was a good kid. He would have been a good man. I miss him, and my love goes out to everyone who knew him, everyone who missed the opportunity to know him - and all those bereft teenagers out there.

psychic psychosis

2009-09-14T22:11:00.002-06:00

I've been quite a psychic here lately. Mostly petty little things - a song I haven't heard in a while pops into my head, then I get in the car and there it is...stuff like that. And very lucid dreams. Weird stuff...mostly it's just intrigued me...made me curious to see if it's something I might cultivate.

But a bestie said an important thing to me today. She said that those things are signs from your body, from your subconscious, from the universe - that you know what's going on. You know what's going to happen. You can trust yourself.

Can I?

Really? ...or how did I end up here?

2009-08-27T19:03:00.003-06:00

Tonight I went in for my first official night at a new retail job. I was pretty excited, granted, it's retail - but it was going to be fun - I was just sure. My "official dress code" requires me to wear all black. Which I did, except for the infernal shoes. I wore this terrific pair of little red ones that a dear friend costumer just found for me at the thrift store. Okay...yes, I was testing things. I always do that...in high school on the night before I date I would always do something like dye my hair purple. "So, you thought you liked me huh? What do you think of me now!?" I suppose is the theory... Yes, I was testing things. And they called me on it. Which, I suppose is alright.

HOWEVER...here's how things went down, and dear readers - I am furious with how things went down. So I leave job #1 after scarfing down a Lean Cuisine steam bowl. First of all...seriously? I'm trying to eat right, which is normally a delight - tonight's meal was not...but with new job (job #2) I'm only allowed one fifteen minute "off the floor" and I'm slated to be there until midnight, so I figure, "suck it up, you'll be glad you ate later." So, this morning, I pack my lunch, AND my dinner and I head off for a twelve hour day.

Back to the story at hand...so I leave job #1 and head towards job #2. First of all, finding the parking lot in the blinding light of Colorado sundown was a pain in my a**. I finally find something, put my $3 in the box and head in to work. So I get there, and it's just like the factory I knew it would be...I put my stuff in my locker - folks leaning up against them, dressed in their "all black" like the good little sheep that they are... and I proceed to check in.
"
There they are - my bosses and they're looking me up and down. The woman says, "do you have black shoes?" To which I respond, "Oh, no, I'm sorry - is that a problem?" "Yes, you have to go home. What's your name?" I tell them, then the woman barks at me again, "We need a working phone number for you. Your phone doesn't work." "Really," I think to myself, "because your office called me 3 hours ago to REMIND me that I have to come to work?" As if I ever needed to be reminded that I'm supposed to be at work. Don't they know that I am a work horse? I KNOW I'm supposed to be at work. Then the man tells me that he won't hold it against me, they're overstaffed tonight anyway. And there we have it, gentle readers. I'm dismissed. The security guy looks at me and says, "uh-oh" as I leave.

And the thing is - I get it, I should have worn black shoes.

Nevermind that I stand behind a counter. Nevermind that I am really, stupidly good at retail. Nevermind that I needed this job to get me through the two months between teaching gigs (in another three weeks, i'm picking up two more jobs and I won't care...but today, I care). And I wanted to tell them to F off. That I don't need their stupid job. But I do. So now I'm just hoping that they'll put me on the schedule for next week, so I can go in and smile a lot and sell some of their stuff.

And what I'm wondering is, how did I get here? I had a promising future. BLAH.

I'm going to go have a glass of red wine and pretend like all this "job" nonsense is just that!

Some things I've learned...and some things I'm still learning...

2009-08-24T23:11:00.003-06:00

Proving myself to anyone only proves that I don't know myself.

I have great hair!

There's actually just about nothing that's impossible in this world.

You never know what's next.

The best gift that you can give anyone is trust...trust in them, in yourself...the ability to be trusted.

Love IS all you need.

No matter how much I work to deny it, I LOVE and really kind of need coffee.

It turns out, you may not really need the things you think you do.

I may be just a little bit psychic. We might all be. I'm interested in cultivating this.

I have three best girlfriends - cumulatively, they make who I am obvious.
I have one best friend - he makes me happy to be who I am.

Saying "yes" to an opportunity makes me very happy!

Perspective is the carrot I chase...sometimes it's close, sometimes not so much...I'm working on it.

There's very little in this world that a good cup of tea, a bath, a massage, and a smoke won't make better.

Peanut Butter and Jelly really is the best!

I carry all the people that I've known with me - and that makes me stronger.

Grief cannot be objectively quantified.

I am capable of so many more things that I ever thought possible, and I am learning that more and more in every moment!

...I'm trying to get back into the habit of blogging...but lately, it's been more listing than blogging...but then again, you never know what's next!

The Year Before 30...

2009-08-02T12:34:00.002-06:00

Only about 7 and a half months to go until I'm 30. But who's counting, right?
Actually, I'm pretty excited about it - I think I just keep getting better, and life certainly keeps getting better, every minute and every year. However, it is a strange sensation to recognize that in only a few short months, that illusive decade, "my 20's" will be over. How I thought I would never reach it...and then, just like that, it's over. Of course, I recognize that all of this pressure and symbolism is purely culturally based. We're taught that our 20's are supposed to be some time of wild debauchery and equally, of settling down and starting down a path. In truth, I think our 20's is just another set of 10 years to try out being human.

All that being said, it's still weird. 30. I think I'm gonna like it there. But in the meantime, a few lists.

Things I did not do in my 20's that I thought I probably would:
get married
have a baby
go to grad school
quit smoking

Things that I did do in my 20's:
Graduated with an undergrad degree in acting, magna cum laude
Got arrested
Moved back to MS, lived with my grandfather just before he died
Spent several months unemployed
Buried both my grandparents
Saw my parents divorce
Had my heart broken
Took a road trip for a month by myself
Began teaching
Moved to Chicago
Fell in love
Moved to Colorado
Bought a house
Started a company
Went to Europe, twice
Went to Las Vegas for the first time
Stood up for my two best girlfriends when they married their loves
Directed lots of my own plays, and got paid for it!

Anyway, there's a little taste. And hey - there's still 7 and a half months! Who knows what I might do in that time! WHOHOO!

Thank you notes and other niceties...

2009-08-01T16:02:00.002-06:00

I've made a new resolution for myself these days. I'll admit, I've been a tad grouchy. Which has actually been a rarity for a while now. I believe that my New Year's resolution to say "thank you" for something every day has really taken it's toll on my cynicism. As a result, I've been pretty chipper of late.

But not this past week. In the past week I have been a downright grump. Crampy and worn out sure - but that's no excuse. SO - I have resolved, that whenever I am feeling particularly unkind or pessimistic, that I will attempt to combat that feeling by doing something nice. Putting something good out into the world. I owe the world some goodness. Thursday was a particularly grumpy day. I stopped by a bakery on the way in and brought treats for work. That helped.

The thing is, I REALLY, REALLY like being nice. I know that well behaved women rarely make history, and I know that being nice is not nearly so important as being smart, revolutionary, provocative...etc... but I don't think that being nice means you can't be those things as well. And being nice makes me feel really good.

BUT...(there's always a caveat, right? the duality of the world, I suppose) I am discovering that it's not quite so selfless as we'd like to let ourselves think. I like being nice. I like knowing that someone's day is a little brighter, or a little easier... I also like knowing that I did that. I like the thank you. Now, I'll defend myself a bit by saying that I don't need a gift, or a big explosion of emotion - but I do really need a thank you. I kind of thrive on thank you's.

It's interesting to me that 100 years ago when people had basically two ways to say "thank you" that they did it, religiously, as an art form. Letter writing, the thank you note - an intrinsic part of society. But now that we can text, call, facebook, myspace, twitter, email, snail mail, im, or say it in person...we forget to say "thank you". Or...we're embarrassed, or don't know how to accept kindness from one another, or something.

And I'm guilty myself. As I write this, I'm thinking of 4 or 5 people that I need to say "thank you" to right now. Seriously folks - think about how good it makes you feel when you just get a casual "thank you" tossed your way at a burger joint...now imagine if your friends or family said it to you, right after you took a minute or two out of your life to do something nice. Wouldn't that make you feel GREAT! So do it.

Say THANK YOU!

I'll be a little less grumpy if you would ;)

Having trouble focusing...

2009-02-19T15:29:00.002-07:00

It doesn't rain but it pours, right? Lately my days seem to be that way - either I'm so productive that I barely recognize myself - or I'm a total wreck, completely unable to focus on any one thing or get anything more complicated than the bed making done. Luckily, I've had an awful lot of the productive days lately...unfortunately, today is one of the more *wreckish* days. Not that I'm not in a glorious mood, because I am.

Had a meeting this morning with a gentleman. The meeting went very well - actually, the news was better than expected...and it looks as thought there might be some great changes in 2009! Sorry, I'm going to refrain from being any less cryptic than that at the moment, in the hopes that I don't spoil something by talking too much about it! However, suffice it to say - I'm very excited...I'll keep you posted when we know more!

Yesterday I downloaded a free trial of some graphics software from the web and created a pretty great looking seating chart for Curious. I know that miiiight PERHAPS not sound so exciting to all of you - but I'm thrilled. It looks pretty decent for a girl who had no idea what she was doing...and I just love doing things I've never done before.

Let's see - because I'm having difficulty focusing today...here's a list of those things that I love.
1. Apparently, I love lists
2. I love Brian
3. I love my family
4. I love my friends - old and new, close and far away - I love picking up with someone like it's been no time at all since we were together - i love long chats
5. I love the mountains. Seriously, I had no idea they would do this to me. I love the mountains
6. I love plays...everything about them.
7. I love museums...pretty much any museum...there's so much to learn!
I REALLY love the Mall in DC...seriously, for a museum lover...seriously!
8. I love an active, passionate debate - about anything really
9. I love dancing
10. I love live music - particularly the Irish kind...but I'm not terribly particular
11. I love the way my new cat purrs when you pet him, but requires that all loving be on his terms...I love this about animals, less so about people ;)
12. I love an outside music festival in the summertime - the Sunflower Blues Festival and Jazzfest take the cake
13. I love my mom's friends
14. I love costume jewelry
15. I love painting (rooms, chairs, tables, etc...not portraits or anything fancy like that)
16. I love a colorful bouquet of balloons
17. I love outside barbeques
18. I love the way I think I look in my leather jacket, driving my mustang...it's not really who I am at all...but I sure dig that image
19. I love getting really really dirty and tired and then taking a long hot shower

Percolatin'

2009-02-13T13:19:00.002-07:00

It's been a wee bit since the last time I wrote...and I certainly don't have anything deep and profound to say. I've found that that's often the case when my world is as ridiculously busy as it is right now...this is the time for action, and lots of it. Later on, once I've had a little time to gargle all these new experiences, THEN, perhaps I'll be able to see something interesting in it all. Currently, all I can see is the next step in front of me.

So - here's the update - and maybe I'll get back to you with reflections on the same later! This week has been an exciting, exhilarating, and wild ride. Most importantly and excitingly - B.loved's birthday was yesterday! He's 35 years old now, and better than ever. We met just over 3 years ago...on January 31, 2006. I certainly wasn't looking to fall in love with him - but there he was, and what could I do? The first two birthdays I've known him for, I couldn't physically celebrate with him - but the last two we've been together for, and I look forward to so many more. There's not much that I enjoy better than celebrating that beautiful man! AND...tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary from our first kiss. AND...tomorrow is his Opening Night for LOVE SONG at Paragon Theatre. It's going to be a really amazing show, I've read the script a few times and really dig it, it's quirky, and hopeful, and really really beautiful I think. Paragon's a Denver Company I really like, and can't wait to celebrate this great week by watching his great show! Come check it out - running through March 14!

On top of all that - RABBIT HOLE, the production that I assistant directed (under the amazing indominatable Christy Montour-Larson) is closing on Saturday. I get to watch it one more time tonight. The uncomfortable theatre phenomenon...after all this work, time, and love - this piece of art is going to be over. However, there's plenty of things to put my mind to - I'm the props designer for the Curious production of EURYDICE by Sarah Ruhl - which has proven to be a tad more challenging than I thought. But the show is going to be stunning and I'm proud to be a part of it...and the challenging stuff just means more growing, right?

Speaking of growing, I'm also taking an improv class once a week at the Denver Center Teaching Academy. I've never ever taken even an hour of improv, and I'm scared silly. But surprise, surprise! It's turning out to be a blast...again, challenging...lots of growing going on these days - but it's a nice break from everything else, a moment to just clear my mind for a couple of hours each week and only think about the moment at hand...and play!

I'm working more hours at Curious - in addition to the box office, I've also been assisting our Marketing Director - mostly sending out emails and working on our new website...check it out at www.curioustheatre.org. AND, I've been teaching a lot these days...in addition to the 4 hours of classes to the wee ones that I teach each week, I've also been subbing a bit for a friend - which is always fun...

I remain committed to traveling more this year (although as yet, I haven't spent a night away in 2009)...I miss a lot of old friends, and find that it's so easy to get caught up in the routine of putting one foot in front of the other...next thing you know you're another year older and what have you got to show for it? So, in the works is a St. Louis trip in March...then on my birthday weekend, B and I have promised each other a mini getaway. Also - a trip to Chicago needs to happen, and back to MS...on top of that are some weddings I'd love to get to - and something grande and wonderful for B and I to do for each other!

2009 has had a lot of death in it. No death so very close to me really, but surrounding me - every where I turn there's just a little nudge, a reminder. I'm trying to just note that, and keep it in mind. I think there's something important for me there...as yet, I'm still percolating. In the meantime, I'm sending out big love and comfort to all those people around me who HAVE been closely touched by it already.

So there it is, all the news that's fit to print. Brightest Blessings to all of you out there, and as always, thanks for reading. Thanks for caring!

New Years Resolutions

2008-12-30T15:36:00.002-07:00

I made New Years Resolutions this year. Hooray! It's been a while, and even longer since I kept them. But here it is...

1. I am resolved to seek out joy
2. I am resolved not to yell
3. I am resolved to cut my cc debt in half
4. I am resolved to say *thank you* at least once a day

I think that's a nice little list here...it's well balanced, a little mental betterment, a little material betterment. Actually, I wish there were 5 points on the list, it would seem a bit more, concise. But hell, as it turns out, I'm not particularly concise in my overall life - and those 4 are plenty already. So there it is, my little list - and I'm pleased with it. I feel like it's enough of a challenge to keep me motivated, but not too much for me to say, "Eh, chuck it!" about 3 months in.

I started a new little moleskin in fact, yesterday - I'm going to write down the thank you's. I think it will help remind me to do it first of all, and then secondly, how great to have a record at the end of the year of all the things I have to be thankful for! I started it early, but then again, I figure, "hey, I get to make the rules here!"

All in all, things are going very well out here in the West. It's a whirlwind for sure - but as always, full of fun! The holidays were lovely. We got to spend most of Christmas Eve (after I got off work) with B's family. His folks have been out of town for months, so it was great to be there with everyone and all cheerful and well fed :) Then we had our own sweet Christmas at our house, with a fire in the fireplace and stockings full! I sure do love that man. THEN, at 11pm, we left for Lyons to surprise my mom, Jenni, Anna, Anna's fella' Ryan, and mom's dog Gilly (Mrs. McGillicuty) at the cabin. They weren't expecting us until Christmas Day, so lots of screaming and excitment ensued when we finally arrived. We stayed up until 4am (making that a 21 hour day for me) playing Apples to Apples and laughing. Good times! Two more days in the cabin saw lots more game playing, some movie watching, a little hiking, a wonderful visit from Princess Aly, her prince, and their two delightful dogs, who got along quite well with Gilly. What a wonderful time was had. Missed my dad of course this year, but we did finally get him on Skype, so got to see his face at least. :)

I'm working at Curious of course, and currently assistant directing a gorgeous production of RABBIT HOLE by David Lindsay Abaire, under the force of a director, Christy Montour Larson. I am learning so much every day from her, and from this extraordinary actors - the play's intense and emotional, and such an honor to be a part of.

B's had great news lately - the man can't be stopped! He'll be playing the lead in Paragon Theatre's production of LOVE SONG. It's a quirky and very cool play, and it opens on Valentines Day - our 3 year anniversary. Then he'll do The Golden Goose, another great children's play, at the Mizel Center...and another short film role, AND a national internet commercial. Plus, next week, his daughter will be out here visiting us for a bit. So much great stuff going on - and so much still in store!

So there it is, friends! As always, thanks so much for reading. Have a very, very Happy New Year, and I sure hope that 2009 is the year we get some good hanging out time in!

...the sun and the moon and the apple trees...

2008-11-29T20:39:00.002-07:00

There's a fabulous lady, the princess Aly, who posted a recent blog with a little crash course in the things that she was thankful for and I thought it sounded like a divine idea...particularly as I enter hour 11 of my 13 hour workday. So here it is - a list of just a very few of the things that I am particularly thankful for.

1. For only having 2 more hours left until I can go home tonight
2. For having amazing jobs that I love, and getting to work as much as I want to most of the time
3. For being given the amazing opportunity to teach children, and teach them art...
4. For all the more things that they teach me
5. For Brian...really, he's the number one thing that I'm thankful for. He makes me laugh, he loves me something fierce, and is so beautiful and strong and a daily inspiration to me in so many ways. I am a better and more full person for the (almost) 3 years that I've spent with him, and I am the luckiest girl I know.
6. For our cozy and wonderful little house, with its fireplace...for snuggling in on snowy days
7. For Denver, and it's 300 blue days a year, and it's dry cold, and its mountain skyscape
8. For music that gets you up and dancing...especially for Elvis, and the Beatles, and Lucinda Williams
9. For great books, and the New Yorker, and scripts, and libraries and the way that books smell
10. For hot beverages
11. For the Princess Aly - the best girlfriend a girl could dream of...for her living close by, and always taking me seriously, and for our adventures, and for our inside jokes, and shared history, and for her cooking, and her taste in wine :)
12. For amazing people and friends - old and new, that I've been lucky enough to always be surrounded by (that's YOU!)
13. For a beautiful, dysfunctional, loving, rowdy, supportive, and blustery family - who may not always have it "right," but is always right for me.
14. For people who actually do read my silly blogs (that's YOU too!)
15. For raspberry cordials
16. For the chance to travel
17. For theatre. For art. For hopes and dreams. ...and Julie Taymoor and Ang Lee and Peter Brooks and Augosto Boal and Amadeo Modigliani
18. Because you believe.
19. For pizza.
20. For board games, especially Apples to Apples
21. For Mississippi with its complex history, and its ugliness, and the sometimes surprising beauty that can spring out of that ugliness
22. For a new bedspread and old teddy bears
23. For almost being done with my Christmas shopping
24. For babies
25. For life, the joyous and tragic life that it is...but all mine.

So, that felt really great - perhaps I'll do it again soon. Thanks for checking in! :)

2nd adolescence

2008-11-18T13:15:00.002-07:00

I recently had my very first bra fitting. Pimples are popping up all over my face. I'm feeling awkwardly tall all the time. I'm wearing my emotions on the outside and finding myself a little incapable of not expressing every single feeling that comes my way. If I get less than 8 hours of sleep, I'm cranky. I can't stop singing Madonna songs off of the Like a Virgin album.

I never went through the *awkwardly tall* phase - in fact, I love being tall - always wished I was taller than I am. And suddenly, there I am, standing in a crowd of people feeling so conspicuos...wishing I could just shrink down to a less noticeable size. My voice sounds funny, and often way too loud. My feelings are hurt at the drop of a hat. Seriously, I'm 16 again. 16 was an okay time for me - not great, but not horrible...it's like I'm paying the price for not having an awful adolescence...I'm having it again, and how!

Clearly, my hormones are raging - but I'm almost 30 years old. I truly believed that these things sort of settled at some point. Still...my bra fitting was pretty exhilirating...And, my bra size is pretty porn star sexy :) And seeing Madonna at 28 is ever so much more satisfying than it would have been at 16. But could we give the hormones a rest? Please?

Laundry day

2008-11-07T22:08:00.005-07:00

There are some things that it is remarkably easy to lose and almost impossible to find. Those of the Catholic faith even have a Saint dedicated to finding things. St Theresa? I don't remember. I did the laundry tonight, and somehow lost 2 socks...2 socks, from 2 different pairs of socks. I wish you could just lose the whole pair, why do you have to hold on to this one reminder of the glory days?

Life is sort of like that. Trust. Remarkably easy to lose and just about the hardest thing in the world to find. I wonder if St. Theresa covers trust? Not just trust in other people though, trust in yourself. Somehow, it seems like it all goes hand in hand. Lose trust in someone else, suddenly the whole world looks suspicious, yourself included.

And what I can't figure outis how to go on without trust. You can put on your happy face, work out all your forgiveness and issues - but if you can't trust again...well, you might as well have just put on those two odd socks. One is pink and white striped, one is black with green hearts on it...one is an ankle sock while one reaches up towards your calf. The job is effectively done, your feet are warm and protected...but something just doesn't feel right. All day you walk around with those two socks feeling like an extension of your whole self - lopsided, awkward, wrong.

The jitters

2008-11-04T15:41:00.003-07:00

Election Day is here! This campaign has gone on FOREVER...but it's been pretty exhilirating. And the day is here now. I voted last week, so there wasn't much to do, I guess. And I keep hearing about how electric the day is...but you know what? I just feel jittery. Tense, anxious, good, and energetic, but with no where to focus that energy. Change. Hope. ...Faith. I think that's the point, right? We do everything that we can, and then we have faith. We hope. So I'm hoping, and I'm wearing my Obama Hope tee-shirt (admittedly, in part for the political support inherent and in part for the kitsch...yeah, that's how I am), and I'm waiting. I hope. I hope for a better nation than the one we live in, I hope for a better world - I think Barack Obama is a step in the right direction. But for now, I wait, and I hope.

Which is funny actually - this election day is not a far off parallel from many other aspects of our lives, huh? An obstacle arises, we do everything that we can and ultimately realize that it's outside of our *control*. So we hope. We wait, and pray, and be as kind and as full of love as we can.

I'm a leeeetle bit of a control freak, it's true. So I find this part of life particularly, uh, challenging (read, knashing of teeth, pulling out of hair). But, as you would probably guess, in the end there's nothing I can really do about it, except for wait, and hope, and pray - and apologize to those folks who happened to be nearby during the teeth knashing/hair pulling debacle.

"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

Yeah...

**By the way, there's a ton of great theatre out there right now. If you're reading this and you're around Denver - check out November (David Mamet's new(est?) work) at the Avenue Theatre (you'll appreciate it this month like you never may again) I Am My Own Wife at Theatreworks in Colorado Springs, and particularly...Speech & Debate at Curious Theatre (you may never STOP smiling), and B(loved)'s newest play at Boulder Ensemble Theatre, FAT PIG. You may know how I feel about Neil Labute anyway, and you definitely know how I feel about B's work...plus, dear friends Jeremy Make and Kate Avallone are in it...it's smart, funny, incidious...you'll love it and hate yourself (sounds like a good time, right :)

Go out, support local arts!

Thank you.

2008-10-20T23:14:00.003-06:00

To my love,

Thank you for your perspective. For your kindness, and your patience. Thank you for loving life - for dancing, for inspiration. Thank you for teaching me that it's perfectly alright to be happy with a situation that is less than ideal. Thank you for forgiveness - for giving and receiving it. And every day, thank you for your laughter, your smile, your eyes.

Thank you.

Recommitment, forgiveness, and a little attitude adjustment

2008-10-04T15:01:00.002-06:00

I am feeling extraordinarily dissatisfied at the moment. A fleeting feeling, I know. Still...for something as transient and insubstantial as an *emotion* - this one sure has me pretty grumpy. What I'd like to do is write down a list of the things that I want, the things I'm lacking, the reasons why I'm justified to be in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood. So, I'm going to do that - IF I still want to after writing down a list of all the wonderful things...all the reasons that I love living in Denver, and all the things there are to be happy about, all the ways in which I'm beautifully blessed.

It's fall, and starting to get chilly! Teaching at the Denver Center started again today and I love my kids! I treated myself to a grande nonfat iced latte this morning. We have a washer and dryer in our house so I don't have to take hours out of an otherwise wonderful afternoon to go do laundry, I'm doing it RIGHT NOW! Tacos for lunch. Taco flavored kisses. Watching videos of K.K. Yesterday, Aly came to Denver and we had an awesome breakfast, and we got our makeup done at MAC and it was wonderful. I feel pretty. Chalkboards. Going to the mountains. Being surrounded by artists. Big sky country. More *blue* days than anywhere else in the country. Listening to a gorgeous Mexican singer on NPR this morning. Remembering Ireland. Knee high socks. Photographs. Not being at work for the afternoon. Loving my job(s). One door opening just as another one closes.

It's just over one year since I moved to Denver...the time when...for the past several years, I've picked up and moved again. I'm noticing a pattern...the first year(ish) is great, everything is so new - it's like a challenge to get to know a place, and people. But then, after that first year, when it's so exciting...I start to sit back and say "now what? shouldn't I be farther along that this?" So I move on to someplace else. The only thing is, I really love Denver, and Colorado. And I've found a good art scene here, and love is here, and I want to be here. So, I'm here, I'm committed (I just bought Colorado plates last week!), and I'm just going to embrace my neurosis and live it up!

This is me world, I may be grumpy and selfish and sometimes way too critical - but I'm also full of love, and wonder, and joy - and I've got a lot to give...and if you think you can put up with me - let's do it!

Broken

2008-10-02T20:35:00.002-06:00

These days something is broken inside me. I wonder if it's always been broken? What is it that's wrong with me?

How can a person know what she wants, love without bounds - and stand in her own way...always wanting what I can't have?

How can one person make so many mistakes?

A long shower, and a hot meal cooking on the stove...

2008-08-25T20:33:00.003-06:00

At Dublin castle.
Part of the Guiness Factory compound

Love from Dublin!!

Home again, home again, jiggety jig. I miss being on holiday already. I miss Europe and the magic of country Ireland, the splendor and excitement of London, and the just feel good - good time of Dublin. But, at the moment, I'm just so damned glad to be home!

After something like 36 hours of travel...we left Dublin by bus at 5:30p on Sunday. Arrived at Shannon airport around 10:30pm...camped out on benches until 5am...then hopped a plane back to Dublin!!! ACK! To catch another plane, 3 hours later to Chicago...then 3 hours after that...finally, back to Denver. B. and I swung for a cab. It was expensive, and worth it. We've been home for two hours now - we're mostly unpacked - have had hot showers, have the SECOND load of laundry going, dinner's cooking on the stove, and there's a fresh bottle of wine opened (after all, holidays not REALLY over until 10am tomorrow!) :)

Dublin was wonderful. On Saturday it rained. All day. But I had a terrific "traditional Irish meal" at The Celt, just around the corner from our hostel. Beef and Guiness stew with chips, followed by a Bailey's Bread Pudding. We attempted to catch Oscar Wilde's The Ideal Husband at the Abbey (also just around the corner from our hostel) but it was sold out (not such good luck with the theatre going this trip). As it turned out - we were pretty comatose from the meal anyway so we called it an early night. Which was fine, that being the last good sleep we'd get for the next two days.

Then, on Sunday - we did the double decker bus sight seeing tour of Dublin. I know they sound cheesy, and I've always been pretty disdainful of that sort of touristy thing. I've changed my tune now though. Especially if you've just got a day or two - it's such an amazing way to get to see all of the city and to hear just enough bits of the history to make you want to learn more. We did hop off at Kilmainhain Gaol (I'm sure I'm butchering the spelling, I'll look it up later) - a Victorian prison that was in use until 1924. The tour was fascinating, and I started to learn a lot more about the Irish political situation. Did you know that the Irish flag has the most beautiful meaning. The green stands for the Republicans, the Orange for the Royalists, and the white in between signifies peace between the two. I love it!

At any rate - the tours were great - and since we did the one in London we got cheap tickets for the one in Dublin, AND your ticket is good for 24 hours so you can also use the bus as your public transport a little bit. On both trips our tour guides were great, very informative - with great senses of humour and anecdotal knowledge. In Dublin he even sang Molly Malone for us. :)

Also - in Dublin - also, ridiculously cheesy in appearance but an altogether pleasing hostel experience was Paddy's Palace. It's right downtown on the North (I think) side of the River Liffey next to the bus station...very centrally located, cheap, with good amenities, and super friendly people. They absolutely saved us, particularly Daniel. Thanks Daniel! Ailish suggested that we bring hershey's chocolate and give it out, since they can't get it there. We did that and it was much appreciated and met with smiles.

In the next couple of days (weeks?) as B. processes pictures, I'll be posting some of his more artistic shots and probably reflecting more on the highlights...the things that are still percolating. But for the time being, we're home - I'm going to go fold some laundry...and talk to you all soon! Love and Miss you!! Thanks again for reading!

A few more pictues before sleeping the last night in Europe...

2008-08-23T16:29:00.003-06:00

The Globe...after disovering they were sold out
Brian has lunch with his friend Charlie.

All photos in this blog are by either me or Brian. Most of the good ones...and the

ones of me (clearly) are by B.loved.

Whoops! HERE are some more pictures!

2008-08-23T03:02:00.004-06:00

Some more pictures!

2008-08-23T02:46:00.004-06:00

In Dublin fair city -

2008-08-23T02:30:00.002-06:00

We're in Dublin now, for the last leg of the trip - until tomorrow night when we catch the late night bus to Shannon for our early morning flight back stateside. My, is it fine!

So yesterday - we took the Underground in the morning to catch the British rail from Euston Station. Tensions were running high as we were exhausted - physically, emotionally... Four hours on a train through England and Wales later - we'd reached our fancy ferry boat to carry us from Holyhead, Wales back to Dublin, Ireland. We slept a lot. Arrived in Dublin - called Rita's sister Elaine who had to work late - and decided to check in at the hostel which had so comfortably put us up earlier in the week. Paddy's Palace. The name is, of course, tragic - but the people are friendly, the bathrooms are big, the rates are cheap, and the rooms are PRIVATE! We made the decision then that rather than try to lug things around for the rest of the weekend that we'd stay here at the hostel - and suddenly - the weight lifted from all of us. We were so relieved to know that here we were - in the last leg of our trip, no longer having to plan for the next stage, having to lug our bags around to get to the next train...the bus station is around the corner! Perfection!

Now, with a new lightness in our hearts, we set off for the Cobblestone - a proper Irish bar with live sessions every night. Wow! Last night, at least ten musicians sat in a circle, playing the fiddle, the flute, the Irish whistle, the guitar, the bagpipes, the accordion...one man sang a ballad about the INA. A stunning night - and dinner from the grocery store across the street where I had yet another samosa! (They're so good!) I missed our good friends Kat and Jo so bad. They introduced me to this music, and they gave me a love for it.

Today we'll explore Dublin a little. We'll hopefully get to catch up with Elaine and meet the lovely Rita's sister! And enjoy these last precious moments of our trip. Every time I go away, it reminds me of how much there is to see, how many people there are to meet - I need more time - more time in the places that I've been, more time to explore new places.

Still, the time that we have is a blessing. Drink it up! Live it fully. And remember, every step of the way - stay true to yourself, trust the universe, and travel in peace!

(I'm feeling a little, overwhelmed? gregarious? ...like something grand needs to be said to commemorate this time)

Some photos :)

2008-08-21T15:44:00.003-06:00

England Day 3...

2008-08-21T15:25:00.003-06:00

Three days in England now...one traveling mostly...and two seeing everything it was possible to see in London in two days. We didn't catch the Globe show tonight...it was sold out. Par for the course for this trip, but as it turns out - everything that's gone wrong has turned out to be perfectly right. What a lesson there is in that.

The wine we drank at dinner last night was called "Outra Vida" - meaning "the other life" and it refers to the life that we make for ourselves outside of the toil and turmoil of everyday things...the life of relaxation and enjoying every moment. It was good too :)

Today we saw the changing of the guard. Pretty magnificent, all that pomp and circumstance. And the guard band during the changing played Goldfinger. The lovely English lady with her son who's just recently turned "proper teenager" told the boys that the band was "getting jiggy with it." Her proper teenaged son seemed mortified.

Then on to a second lunch at the Spar convenience store. The best lamb simosas I've ever imagined...and a hike to Covent gardens where I bought some handmade wooden flowers. Eliza Doolittle never had it so good!

We wandered a lot today - not necessarily 'accomplishing' so much, but lots of exploration and delightful finds. We RAN down southbank for about 30 minutes to catch the Globe production of Midsummer, but alas, it was sold out. I stood in queque for about 20 minutes to see about returns, but the 3 fellows from Cali standing in front of me got the last 3 groundling tickets. Bummer. Ah well, got a poster at the gift shop, and a flake (the best ice cream cone EVER) at the gates, and c'est la vie. We walked back down Southbank, enjoying the MANy sights this time and back to the hostel where there's a rousing barbeque going on.

New friends Jill (from Virginia) and Liz (from Australia) were hanging out, so we shared some wine and an Australian sing a along with them. Jill is a grad student in Russian at UVA who's traveling now after spending 3 months in Moscow and St. Petersburg and Jill is a writer from Australia who's traveling, probably chasing love, but she's getting over it...and writing a book on spirituality and women and who we are after we rid ourselves of the constraints of social, familial, cultural, etc. influences. Both fascinating women and it's been a pleasure to share a little chatter with them.

Tomorrow we leave the hostel at 7am... to catch our rail and sail (train then ferry) back to Dublin to explore and stay with Rita's sister, Elaine. After two beautiful days in England, I'm almost a little hesitant to return to the rain of Ireland (all my luggage is by now a little damp). Then I remember that it's Ireland...and exquisite...and my soul sings.

Only three more days really, until our return, and I kind of can't believe it. In some ways I'm anxious to get home...to the ease and the comfort of familiarity...and you own bathroom :) But I could stay here so much longer. And meeting folks at the hostel - so many people from so many places, who travel all over the world. I need to go to Spain and Australia...to explore Wales, and go to Scotland. In our room (8 beds), we have three Indonesia guys who are doing an internship in Germany and traveling sporatically during...one girl from Australia who's just been at summer camp in Boston and is now spending the next 3 months traveling Europe before returning home...and last night a wonderful IT girl from Wales who got conversations going about immigration laws and cultural perceptions.

Don't know if I'll get to blog much more...thanks for reading. But I promise many pictures to ensue in the coming weeks as we get home and get situated! Although...we're off and running as soon as we return. B. got cast in a film (he's the villian and gets to shave his head!) that begins filming four days after our return. The Isle of Capri - in appreciation of my new membership, has offered us a free room...AND...my dearest princess Aly is getting married in a few short weeks. The adventure continues. Talk to you soon!

Did I mention the lunar eclipse?

2008-08-20T16:09:00.002-06:00

Did I? Full moon. Coastal Ireland. Just after a rain, clouds are parting. Lunar eclipse. Seriously? Seriously.

In London today - seriously ridiculous getting here, my mistakes, but ah well, it added to the adventure right? And as it turns out, had to rent a car in Wales, I drove 6 hours to London. I love Wales. Definitely on my list to get back to. The driving was fun...stressful, yes. But fun.

Today - 8:30am-11pm, walked, took a double decker bus, river boat tour - learned quite a bit, saw A LOT! did the coolest things...ate at the oldest pub in England (lovely), walked Tower Bridge (while it was going up!), go Paddington Bear and book for K.K. (a must!), took pictures with the Royal Guard (what an AWFUL job...felt cheesy doing it, but it had to be done...), saw the changing of the Royal Mount (their horses are huge and gorgeous), did you know that the London Hilton was supposed to be 5 stories higher, but from the 5th floor penthouse you could see into the Queen's bedroom (oops! Plans cancelled.), and that the Marble Arch used to be outside Buckingham Palace but Queen Victoria hated it so much that she had a carriage made that was too wide to get through it so they moved the arch (wow!)

At any rate...got to make plans to get back to Dublin on Friday. Globe tomorrow night for Midsummer (yay!)...

This hostel was supposed to have wifi. It doesn't. Bummer.

Cheers!

I should edit these things...

2008-08-18T14:54:00.001-06:00

Just in case you're confused...

I wrote 'we'll be in Dublin tomorrow' and MEANT

We'll be in LONDON tomorrow!

:)

The Adventure Continues...

2008-08-18T14:48:00.002-06:00

So much to tell...and I'm paying by the minute and trying to figure out how to get to London, so it will be brief. Kenny's show on Saturday was brilliant - the weather was even great, and the audience was doubled. People actually DID come both nights, and they're talking about it, and excited about what we did. It was completely gratifying.

We left Baltimore (sadly) this morning, drove to Cork and tried to find a ferry. Hysterical moment where I ran up to check the times and the ferry was closed. D'oh! Eventually, we went back to the original plan...dropped the car off at the airport, and got on a bus to Dublin. Tonight we arrived in Dublin, found a hostel for cheap nearby and are currently working on our plans to get to London in the morning. All these planes, trains, and automobiles (read...buses, traines, and ferrys) are VERY confusing. Still, I'm not concerned...we'll be in Dublin tomorrow - I did manage to book that hostel in advance. Sadly the dorms are separated by gender so I'll have to hang out in the girls dorm...but what can you do? Make more money, I suppose :)

It's truly an adventure and Dublin is BEAUTIFUL! We'll only be here for a few hours tonight, but back on Friday to hang with lovely Rita's sister Elaine and see some of Dublin properly!

I'll write more later once we have wifi in the London hostel! Cheers!

The land of song and story

2008-08-16T05:28:00.002-06:00

It's Saturday, a little after noon - and all the boys are in rehearsal now...so I thought I'd pop up to Casey's Hotel and Pub to use their internet. £2 a half hour, but it's ridiculously faster than the internet connection at our house...so worth it to catch up for a moment. I tried yesterday to upload some pictures at the house, but the connection's too slow...so it may be upon our return before there are pics. Sorry about that :(

At any rate - the version of The Zoo Story that I directed went up last night. Crazy day. We had a really great rehearsal in the morning, except that about 5 pp from the end, it began raining. It rained, and rained, and rained...for the rest of the day. Finally, Kenny and I decided there was no way to perform in the open air ampitheatre, so we made the official call - the performance space would change to the courtyard at the cafe...there's a tarp that covers it (mostly) from the rain. B. and L. came up to check out the space at 6pm...they walked through some of the blocking, then went back to the house to get ready. By this time, it was a wild storm - gale winds blowing, torrential rain, the whole deal. The tarp keeps you mostly dry, but there's nothing to cut down the sounds (amplified by the plastic tarp) or the biting winds. PLUS, we''d never rehearsed in that space. With the storms, we had an intimate house of 9 people. And they LOVED IT! One group stayed for dinner afterwards and spent their entire meal discussing the play. They're coming back tonight to see the other version. Another pair of people stopped B. and L. after the performance and talked to them about it for a good 20 minutes. They loved it. And it was so gratifying to see a performance - with so many challenges built into the atmosphere, that was so well received and spurred so much discussion. I was exceptionally proud of both the actors. They adapted quite well to the space, and the noise...they connected beautifully with one another, and truly told the story.

A little strangely anticlimactic...my show is over. Wow. But it was good - and it reached people. It truly reached people. I'm excited to see how things go this evening. AND...from here on out, for another 8 days - we're on vacation!

We'll stick around in Baltimore until Monday morning (amongst much protest. Jo, one of the Perry sisters, has mounted a campaign to keep us here for the duration of the trip. It's tempting too...on Monday, here at Casey's they have a jam session with musicians from around the area. Jo pulls out her fiddle, Liz and Tessa will play and sing...and who knows what else. THEN, a midnight kayaking trip at Loch Hiyne...a lake that has phospherents (sp?) in it, making it glow at night...yeah, tempting) and then we'll head off to London. I hate to leave it here, but I have to admit, I'm excited for the Globe - we'll get to see AT LEAST a production of Midsummer there, and since I've been reading "The Story of England" I really want to explore The Tower and some of the more historical places that I skipped over the last time I was there. B's going to Stonehenge - WOW - ...THEN, back to Dublin for a couple of days in an Irish city. There are parts of this trip that are a little whirlwind, but I'm loving it.

Last night, after the performance, B., L., Kenny and I hung out with Jo and Tess (we're living at the house with Tess, she came here 11 years ago, planning to stay for the summer, and never left). First we ate at a.mazing dinner at the cafe, hung out, drank some wine, laughed...then up to Casey's pub for a rousing game of Switch. A card game - it's very complicated, but pretty raucous and terrific.

Oh, and the night before - to celebrate L''s birthday (as if dancing on a cliff in the middle of the night wasn't enough), we went to Skibereen to Paragon's pub. Live music (an Irish guy covering American bands) and a game of Cricket on the tv. B. and I were hungry and by the time we got there no one was serving food except for an Indian take out place. It turned out to be an amazing deal - £21 and we got great Chicken Tikka Masala, Naan, and a pizza for B. (they served Indian, Irish, and American food :). The best food deal so far I think...I'm tempted to go back there now!

Every minute is packed with amazing moments. I think that there's something especially magical in the air here. The food at Glebe Gardens is terrific. Jean Petty (mom) gets up at 5am to bake fresh Rosemary rolls with rosemary from the gardens. Last night we had a ravioli, the pasta was made fresh, and Jo had prepared the filling...ricotta, parmesan, mint, thyme...some other things, I don't remember...but all perfect. It's quite simple to imagine coming here for holiday and deciding never to leave.

OH! and the wishing tree...on Thursday, we went to Loch Hiyne, a lake with a forest around it. Kenny walked us all back through the forest where the trees stretch up so high and the like breaks through in quivering squares. It was magical. Then, you come upon this delightful little mark. The Wishing Tree. It's a small tree, with a root system that has created a small pool. And to it, people have attached...anything. Pieces of ribbon, a waterford crystal clock, lighters, rocks, beads, and coins of every nation in the pool. We left a Zoo Story/Pure High flyer and an American coin. I wished for two things.

So that covers the highlights. There's been a lot more tea, wonderful chocolate, some napping, more walking, listening, drinking it in, drinking it up...just basically, the most perfect time you could imagine. I'm off to enjoy some more of it!

It's All Happening!

2008-08-14T05:56:00.002-06:00

We began the trip in a bar in the Denver airport at 11am, the three of us sharing a drink to kick off our trip to Ireland. The idea began over drinks one evening just over four months ago - and here we were! The show is beautiful, and our very own company is taking it to Ireland. Looking at the words, sitting at a computer in Ireland where I just discovered a few key differences, I still can't believe it!

At any rate, the flights were easy. Thirteen hours actually almost flew by. I found it entirely impossible to sleep, but all in all - never really felt the effects of over 24 hours without it. We flew from DIA to Chicago O'Hare...then from Chicago to Dublin...and finally, in a short little 45 minute flight (we barely had time to reach cruising altitude before beginning our descent) we arrived in Shannon, picked up our rental car and we were off! The car is delightfully small, but fit the three of us AND our luggage quite well. It gets amazing gas mileage (or would you say kilometerage?), and as it turns out, the whole "wrong side of the car" thing isn't too hard. Although shifting gears with your left hand just feels wrong and sitting in the front passenger seat is a terrifying experience! Brian drove, without incident - he really is the best driver I know.

We made it to Cork in great time, even stopping at some old castle ruins to take pictures with the cows ambling amongst them, and having a hearty lunch of Sizzling Sirloin Steak (real Irish beef...and it was SIZZLING!...we got some video of the steak!), french fries, mashed potatoes, cooked carrots, and some sort of other vegetable that tasted like an incredibly bland yam at the Roundabout Inn in Mallow.

However, in what should have been an hour and 45 minute drive from Cork to Baltimore - we managed to get so lost, so many times...that it took us almost 5 more hours!! One lane roads (thanks for the advice Rita, they really WON''T get over!), tossing the map aside and using only my compass, and spending 45 minutes unable to leave the town of Dunmanway, driving in endless circles. But finally we made it - arriving in Baltimore and at Glebe Gardens around 7pm on Tuesday evening. If you're going to be wildly lost anyway, I'd recommend West Cork Ireland.

We met up with Kenny right away and first things first, walked down to the space where we'll be performing on Friday and Saturday nights. Stunning. The ampitheatre overlooks the water, and it's so green that it almost looks neon. Then - to the house where we're staying with Tessa and Laura - and back to Glebe Gardens for a barbeque and live music by John Spilirne, a local singer and comedian! It was the perfect welcome to Ireland! I went to bed around 11 that night - although the boys stayed up and went to Casey's, a local pub, for drinks.

Up the next morning at 8am for a trip into Skibereen (only a few miles away) for groceries, postage stamps, etc. Baltimore has one atm, a few b&b's, and about 6 pubs - that, and the most amazing scenery at ever turn that I've ever seen! We had breakfast at a little cafe - I could have stayed there all day, and the tea was divine. Then back to Baltimore for a walk to the beacon - at the top of a cliff, looking right now onto rocky crags below with the ocean beating against them. It was raining and the wind was blowing so hard. I told the boys that that place was my idea of heaven.

Then onto rehearsal - Kenny's version, a quick break for dinner, then mine. There are some things to compensate for - it's tough on their voices, being outside, with the wind blowing...and there's a wonderful dog, Woody, who belongs at the Glebe, and hangs out (usually in the space) at all performances. But after making a few adjustments, we were able to get in a terrifically productive few hours.

Then, while Kenny worked at the Cafe - we went down to the town center, right on the water...a row of 3 pubs and some outside seats to pass out flyers for the show this weekend. We've gotten some good press. Kenny put up posters all over Baltimore and Skibereen...the newspaper is running an ad starting today...and hopefully we'll have nice houses. Although, everyone here is dismayed - it's rained incessantly and they just don't have the tourists down here that they're used to. Baltimore is pretty much a town that makes its yearly income during the three month holiday season, so it really could be bad for them. At any rate, sat outside, shivering, sharing wine and whiskey with some new friends until around 11:30 when the pubs close. Then, Rohan, Kez's fiancee (the three Perry sisters who come home every summer to work at Glebe Gardens with their folks who own it are Jo, Tess, and Kez...then apparently, the Perry's have adopted a number of surrogate children as well who come in from all over the world for these three months to work at the cafe, tend the huge gardens, and facilitate the music and theatre concerts) mentioned to Brian that he was planning on going to the cove to shoot the moon later in the night, and asked if we'd like to join. Would we ever?!

So at 12:30 - Kenny, Laurence, Brian, Rohan, and I loaded up in our little car and drove to this tiny little cove with cliffs on either side and the tide lapping at our feet on a rocky shore. The moon was directly in front of us and straight up, with a direct path of light reaching from the horizon line to our feet. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. They took pictures and I just sat and drank it up. Stunning. I'm finding it difficult to believe that it was real actually. THEN, as the moon passed by that spot (do we ever realize how FAST the moon moves) - we drove to the other side of town, climbed back up the rocky cliffs to the beacon - and began experimenting with light up there. The photos they captured are unbelievable - some of them seeming almost supernatural...and I can't believe it really happened! It has also just turned into Laurence's birthday...what a way to welcome in your Jesus year! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURENCE! Also, it's mine and B''s 2 and a half year anniversary! :)

This morning we all slept later than we intended. The boys woke up and ran straight to rehearsal with Kenny. They'll rehearse for a few hours in the early part of the day...then we'll embark on a short little midday adventure...then back to rehearse with me this evening for a while more. The show goes up tomorrow evening - already, the time is passing too quickly!

I'll write more when I can. Just wanted to let everyone know that we're here, and it's marvelous! I'm off to go write a bit and have some tea! Cheers!

Attitude Adjustment

2008-07-03T16:48:00.002-06:00

Some of you may have noticed. I have not been having an easy time of it inside my head. I, as it turns out, have not been happy. Humph. Of course, as always, I was the last to know.

However, upon reflection - I have decided that there is exactly NO reason in the world for me NOT to be happy, to have peace and direction. To be joy, and love. I am those things and more. And furthermore - life is pretty Trrific! I do what I love, I do who I love ;) - and I love where I am. I also began reading The Secret. I don't usually go in for that sort of thing (and I admit, I'm reading it slowly, interspersed with scripts and New Yorkers...a side of cynicism you know, to keep things balanced) but I'm liking it. I wake up every morning and I begin saying thank you - and then I keep saying it all the live long day. I'm like a slightly more fashion conscious monk, walking around all the time chanting, "thank you for..." "Thank you for letting the car place near my work not have time for me so that I got to walk a mile in 90 degree weather to pay $600 and then walk back, thus getting some exercise, time to talk to my sister, and an appreciation for just WHY I need to pay that much money so that my car will run!" That sort of thing, you know?

AND IT WORKS! Weird. I'm happy. And as it turns out, I think I've been happy all along. AND...the other great thing about saying thank you all the time - not only do I appreciate the world and just about everything in it these days - but it doesn't give my KF***ED radio station in my brain (are you Anne Lamott fans?) a chance to bring in all the ugly little "what if's" that it loves to do. I'm too busy saying thank you to hear it.

Of course, I'm willing to admit that this particular joy today just MAY have something to do with the 3 day weekend that I'm about an hour away from!

Happy 4th of July. Did you know that Vicksburg, MS didn't celebrate the 4th until sometime in the 1990's BECAUSE we lost a major siege (that would be the Siege of Vicksburg, folks!) during the Civil War on July 4th. Yep. But then the casinos came in, and they didn't care about that sort of thing. That's where I'm from. :)

Too Little Too Late

2008-06-25T19:27:00.002-06:00

A few years back, I wronged a girl. A sister, if you will. She handled it beautifully, and said something that has sat with me since then. I introduced myself to her, innocently - and believing that I had all the power - she responded simply with "I know who you are."

I am deeply sorry. My only excuse is youth, inexperience - I didn't yet know what it was to have your heart broken. I hope it's not, but I'm sure the sting is there. Years after I've moved on and found blissful happiness. And I did that.

It's among about 3 things in my life that I truly regret, and absolutely the most heinous of the three.

I am so deeply sorry. I wish I could say it to you.

You gave me the tools to find forgiveness and understanding. I thank you for that. This week I've found the way to forgiveness, to peace. To understanding. It's a hard lesson to learn and tough pill to swallow and every other cliche out there - but I've found it. After hurting in the way that I hurt you.

Thank you, and I'm sorry, N.

Panic is setting in.

2008-06-17T17:24:00.002-06:00

I know that I have trouble keeping perspective on things. "This too shall pass"...I KNOW it, of course - but in that moment when everything inside seems twisted outside and I just want to scream and tear at my hair and generally melt down, it's not so helpful - those things that I rationally know. So these days I'm having a little trouble keeping the panic down somewhere around belly level - not letting it surge up into my chest, my throat, finally spewing tragically out of my mouth. Incidentally, my stomach's hurt for days - but I have a feeling that's better than letting loose my demons, my internal disasters on the entire world. What might feel good is curling up in a ball and crying for a few weeks. It most likely would feel awful though, as those things do - puffy face all stopped up, red, and blotchy - eyes worn out and dried out -

Usually, if I can pull the thought train up to a stop right around this point, I can take a deep breath, blow out the smoke, and come back to myself, to the world of enjoying the small miracles, the everyday joy of living. But not always - I'm trying it right now and it doesn't seem to be working. I'd like to start shrieking and crying in fact. I won't. But that's where I am.

I'm sleepy. I'm working too many jobs and I've been working too many jobs for too long and I'm highly educated (not TOO highly...), I'm talented, I'm hard working - and I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself - working myself to the bone for a few dollars here, someone throwing me a little bone there...it's pathetic. And I'm acting as though I'm a worker bee. Like I have nothing true to offer but all of my time and energy. And of course, everyone works their asses off, but often people get to at least enjoy a beer after work with their colleagues. I, on the other hand - have to run off to another job - never getting to enjoy or reap the benefits of the inside jokes, the comradery of working your asses off together.

I get one day off a week (most of the time) - and lately, B. has been working especially hard on those days. Which means I virtually never see him.

I'm feeling more outside of things than ever. I'm exhausted, and can't seem to figure out a practical way NOT to be exhausted. I don't have five minutes for a phone call with a friend, much less an actual social encounter. I'm an outsider - everywhere I am, and I just want to go inside - curl up, share a cup of coffee and a laugh.

I miss those days - the days of sharing things.

10 years later...

2008-06-07T16:40:00.003-06:00

Things are going beautifully - Summer's here(ish)...I'm learning to always add that "ish" since I've lived here...in gorgeous Colorado. I went to my first Red Rocks concert with new and dear friend Kate on Tuesday. It was REM, Modest Mouse and The Nationals. What an amazing place - it's like all your dreams come true. You know how, you see something absolutely beautiful, you're standing in a moment of true natural beauty...and you're thinking "all this is so perfect, it could only be SLIGHTLY better if there was a soundtrack...some live music..." Well, when you're in Red Rocks - you don't have to think that. And there is this huge hill of beautiful people, and there are stuffed pretzels :), and you're sharing it with a good friend, and life is good. Yeah. That's what it's like - it's like all the best things in life at once. That's Red Rocks.

Things are constantly busy - I'm directing a short piece for the TCG convention, and that's amazing. Next week is the convention and that promises to be incredible, invigorating, and incredibly sleepless :) Yesterday I had training for the Denver Center's summer program - it's a little strange not to be IN CHARGE of the summer camp, I have to admit - but this program is amazing, it's a well oiled machine and I can't wait to do it, and learn so much.

Brian's shooting a bunch of films, and today a wedding, AND rehearsing non stop for The Zoo Story...oh! I start MY Zoo Story rehearsals in two weeks as well. Wow - where does time go? Before we know it, we'll be returning from Ireland and ready to get going on the next big project!

Yeah - life is good. And I'm 28 this year. I always thought I'd be having babies by the time I was 28 - but then you know, life happens, and I couldn't be happier about where it's brought me. It is, however, the year of the high school reunions. My Vicksburg reunion (Warren Central High School - the Vikings) was Memorial Day weekend. I didn't go. I considered it, for a minute, but I didn't even graduate from that school anyway - ultimately, I caught up on some hours at Oilily - and called it a holiday :) However, MSMS reunion is in October - and before that - the girls of the classes of '97 and '98 are having a weekend reunion as well. I really kind of want to go to both. I was looking at pictures today and suddenly couldn't remember my senior prom. I think that had a lot to do with the lemon drops that Bri and I were shooting in the bathroom (is there a statue of limitations on confession for that sort of thing??)... Let's see - my date was John Imes. We'd been going out for a month or so, but he'd just left me for another Kate (last name, don't currently remember...she became a photographer, we met up again years later when she was shooting for the JFP...cool girl, certainly not worth the bad feelings I held for her). Still, we decided to go to prom together - mostly it was about my girls - Breezy, Julie, Lauren, Anna (were we still friends then, or had things gone sour?) We called ourselves B.I.T.C.H. - and we were. Absolutely. Funny all the things that seemed so important then. I think that Prom was at the Air Force base...dinner beforehand??? can't remember... Party afterwards? REALLY can't remember...I'm sure it was at a hotel somewhere, yes? After the '97 prom debacle with my mom - everything else sort of pales... I remember my dress - hideous - pale purple, actually a bridesmaids dress, but we finally bought it after hours of searching to no avail. The pictures are ludicrous. John Imes was about 5 feet tall. I am about 6 feet tall. The photographer had me stand behind me with my arms over his shoulders - he looks effiminate, I look amazonian - not the way an 18 year old girl imagines herself at all. Senior prom was sort of a disastrous memory all around. And yet, a fond one.

As, it turns out, are most of my MSMS memories. I remember that it was often terrible - getting by on no more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, working harder than I've ever worked before or since, knowing that I was rushing harder and faster at actually FAILING chemistry no matter what I did...heartache, heartbreak, the gossip and the tole that it was taking on all of us. The sadness when your friends broke under it, the seeming intolerance and rigid dictatorship of dorm rules, the absolute frustration of indorm, any punishment, when you were already under so much. I KNOW THAT. I know that sometime in my senior year I started driving home every weekend just to sleep for days at a time, I know that I begged my parents to let me come home sometimes (they would have, if I'd meant it), and cried in the middle of classes. And YET, despite all of that. I loved it there - I loved that time, and I have nothing but fond memories of MSMS. My beautiful, dear Julesberry just found me on facebook and we've exchanged a few emails. It makes me happy - nostalgic - and glad to share these particular memories with these particular people.

Getting my first tattoo, then sneaking over to my favorite teacher's house to show her (they filled up a beer huggie with candies and sang Happy Birthday). Sneaking out with Tanya and Carson during the letter ceremony to get Happy Hour Sonic Rte 44 Fresh Lime Slushes. Drama conventions, roommates, meals in the cafeteria (thankfully the only time in my life I've routinely eaten my meals in any type of cafeteria), East Bank, West Bank, Lake Lowndes, Ann Lee's - just getting in the car on Friday evening and knowing that you had approximately 6 hours (depending on your priviledge plan) of your own - amazing how memories start to flood back as you begin to think about it, write about it.

I probably won't make it back for the reunions. Lame, probably - but there's so much PRESENT life going on, who can take the time to look backwards? Still, I bet I can make an hour or two to sit down and go through my old scrapbook.

Top Five Nights of my Life!

2008-05-31T15:55:00.002-06:00

5. One night at Jazzfest with Maggie - the first time I went. We spent the day in the sun, dancing at the African stage, drinking iced herbal teas...we heard Van Morrison and Sarah Maclachlan...we were pooped! Then afterwards, over to some friends of her parents house for my first crawfish party - I think we both fell asleep at their house before it was even time to leave. It was in that trip that I discovered my hair was curly and that being whoever we are was beautiful! (1996)

4. The night on a ferry boat from Greece to Italy - I stood at the front of the boat, looking up at the stars until sailors from the captains deck called down to me and invited me up to watch from their lookout. It was amazing, the sky was bigger than I'd ever known it to be, I saw my first shooting star that night, and finally understood that there was something so beautiful in having such a quiet moment alone, keeping it in your heart forever. (1996)

3.. The night Brian surprised me in Chicago...we were supposed to have a phone date and he kept texting me and putting it off and finally he called, I looked out my window - and instead of being in Denver, he was right there on Argyle street. I'd never felt as loved, romantic movie like - AND after missing him for the first month we were apart, I was overjoyed to see him again. (2006)

2. The night my first play - David's Redhaired Death - opened. My family was all there, Aly was there, my mentor Andrea was there, the actresses were amazing. It was the beginning of my directing career, and the cast party afterwards at my house was great fun! All around - combined my love for art, passion for directing, and family and friends! (2002)

1. Last night - May 30, 2008 - the inaugural fundraiser for mine and Brian's brand new company - Pure High Arts, LLC. The event was so much fun, all the wonderful friends and strangers who were there - united in their love and support of good art, good theatre, and new endeavors. We were overwhelmed by the support from the community, and the reaffirmation of how when the time and the people are right - the world opens its arms to you. This is the right project for us, right now, and our future is wide open and wonderful! (2008)

Salut!

2008-05-29T20:40:00.002-06:00

I need to take just a minute to give the universe and every person in it a big hug! There are so many brilliant quotations running through my head right now...

"I've always relied on the kindness of strangers..." - Tennessee Williams

"At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires to assist you" Goerthe

Just a very few short months ago - I sat at a table with three brilliant artists and dear friends, including my very own most beautiful beloved - and we decided that now was the right time, we were going to leap in and commit to producing our own play and taking it to festival in...IRELAND! You get the right people together, at the right time, and magic happens.

From that point, B. and I started our own production company - Pure High Arts, LLC - and we sat down to raise some money. Tomorrow night is our very first fundraiser - A Night with the Zoo - we're hosting a benefit and without nonprofit status or a name that anyone (yet!) recognizes - we've already been donated a space, wine, terrific local beer from Breckenridge Brewery , and food by one of my favorite Denver restaurants - Dazzle Restaurant and Jazz. On top of that, we've had almost 30 outstanding prizes donated for a drawing that will last all night - AND we've put together a promotional video on the project. Friends and family have been pouring in with their support, both financial, emotional, and word of mouth - AND yesterday we had our very first press in the Westword - an excellent Denver newspaper!

The people that have opened their hearts to us, giving their skills, their time, and their money astound me. The buzz that this has already generated, and the amazing creative impetus that is swirling all around us amaze me. I am so grateful, so thankful - and so certain that this project is exactly the right thing at the right time. I hope you will all join us on this journey to create the art that we want to see -

And hey - at the end of the day - as if all of this isn't enough - I'm going to Ireland to put on a play that I directed!

...speaking of directing, on another note - I'm also directing a short piece for the TCG conference in two weeks! ACK! I thought moving to Denver was about getting to finally be with my beloved...who knew that it would turn out to be the city of my dreams!

Strange Phenomenon

2008-05-24T17:43:00.002-06:00

I am almost 6 feet tall, weigh around 160ish pounds, I've got big, crazy, curly hair and I've been known to be pretty loud - and strangely, I've found that in Colorado, I'm kind of invisible. Weird. This has never happened to me before.

Last weekend though I went to my friend Kate's birthday where I ran into a girl that I've met FOUR INDIVIDUAL times. Every time we've met, I've introduced myself to her, reminded her of the last time we met - and we've even taken a 5 hour acting workshop together, AND sat next to her during lunch and chatted. We have mutual friends, we're part of a small community - and YET - she continues to look at me as though she's never seen me before.

That's not the only instance. I find myself constantly reminding people of the last time we met. In fact, on Wednesday, I ran into a woman who remembered me first (embarassingly...although, at least I DID REMEMBER HER) and I wanted to kiss her on the face.

It's a strange thing - I know that I'm not quite the same boisterous, in your face girl that I used to be. I'm much calmer, perhaps even more diminutive these days. And the truth is, I'm dating an amazing man who is sort of a giant among the people he knows - he's kind and fun, well liked and respected...and perhaps I pale a little bit next to him, for the time being, my being new and all...

What's even weirder is the sheer number of strangers who feel like it's appropriate to tell me that I'd better be good enough for him...that they had hoped to be his girlfriend...and the like. Weird, right? Is it just me? Or is just not the South anymore?

Just a little ranting, please excuse me - it's just that these are the kind of behaviours that it's not exactly polite for me to call out - I could say something like, "WHAT THE F*** DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME? ARE YOU STUPID?" or "EXCUSE ME??!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT KIND OF GIRLFRIEND TO BE? IS THAT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS?" But I don't...I'm a good Southern girl - so I'll vent it here...for the entire world to read. My grandmother would be so proud!

Happy Holiday weekend!

Collateral Damage

2008-05-22T15:56:00.003-06:00

The truth will set you...

Free? Really? Or scared? Or lost...currently, the truth has set me lost. The search for truth. The desire for honesty. What is truth really? Isn't it *true* that each person's truth, by nature of our humanity, is going to differ? Then how does one discern when one is being lied to?
Why are we so afraid of being lied to? Because then we won't KNOW?! HA! Whoever gets to know anything absolutely. And how much duality is their to truth?

I remember having a conversation with Kelly and Seth on my mamma's front porch back in high school, we didn't fall asleep for one minute that night - just sat in the hammock, smoking our cloves and discussing TRUTH...and all things related.

Now here I am - 11 or so years later, and I'm no closer to understanding than I was that night. Sheesh - what a waste, I should have gotten some sleep! :) At least I quit smoking cloves. :)

I feel all discombobulated. I don't know what to think, or how to feel. I don't know how to stand on solid ground - how to not feel like every moment might bring some devastating new truth that will send me toppling down. I don't like this feeling, I'm very uncomfortable.

But I have the nagging sensation, somewhere deep down inside me - that MY TRUTH is the one that matters - the one that's going to lead me to that terra firma.

Still, I can't help but wonder - what is it that we're hiding from? Why do we hide from each other? If I know who I am, and I like who I am - and I feel or do something - what kind of sense does it make that I wouldn't be comfortable saying that I did it...I felt it?

Are we really just all hiding from ourselves? Is the rest of it collateral damage?

Hanging on by the toenails.

2008-04-23T17:38:00.003-06:00

I love my life. Everyday is a glorious surprise so full of delightful people and events...children who say beautiful things, new jobs, new experiences, finally the rich deep sun...I love my life.

But isn't it funny how somedays loving is such a given. You can't help but break into a giddy smile as you approach the airport...going just right AT the speed limit...there's no point in getting a ticket and further delaying your reunion...

And somedays it feels like every bone and muscle in you has given up on loving...is incapable. Just the basic exercise of remembering to smile at strangers, and keep that lilt in your voice while you talk to patrons - sending out all the love that you have into the universe, hoping against hope that by sending it out there, you might feel a little of it returned to you - refilling your coffers.

My coffers need refilling today. Bad.

Wishing I'd paid more attention in college...

2008-04-20T18:16:00.002-06:00

This weekend, my beloved is in STL, visiting his darling daughter - and staying (also meeting) my soul sister and best college bud. What a wonderful opportunity for these amazing people to meet and get to know one another without all the pressure of "meeting the boyfriend/best friend" Especially after 2 years of buildup. They're hitting it off marvelously! In fact, she told me today that she even forgot he was my boyfriend and was just thinking how great it is to have this new friend and be hanging out with him. I couldn't have asked for more :) And yet...it's never easy for me to be told that I'd been forgotten. Is is so hard for me to remember myself? Ridiculous, isn't it?

I spent the day taking an inspiring and intoxicating workshop with members of the SITI company. Suzuki kicked my ass when I was 20... 8 years later, it hadn't gotten any kinder. But I understood the Viewpoints today - and it informed some work. I felt what was going on and saw the benefit of this work - and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I wish I could go back to undergrad - where the SITI company and Anne Bogart herself came into my classroom to teach us workshops - where the company performed on our stage, where I had access to professors and artists whose JOB it was to tell me what they knew.

At the time, I didn't understand it. My heart, my body, and my mind weren't open to it. I was so afraid of not being good, or failing, or probably, working too hard - I wasted college. (Don't tell my dad!) I'd like to go back and do it over again, I'd pay more attention - I'd read all the plays I was supposed to (and save myself playing catch up with the cannon), I'd listen to every word that every professor said instead of crawling back up inside my shell and crying, "she just doesn't like me!" and I'd really learn.

Funny to me - I'm such an academic in some many ways. School is (more or less) easy for me. With the exception of chemistry, it always has been. I can write a paper quickly. I can discuss a book or a play or a theory. I was good at school.

But it took a really long time (and it was well after my matriculation) that I finally grasped what it was to learn.

WOW.

I need a drink.

2008-04-04T16:59:00.003-06:00

Or a Xanex...or something to still my world...

It's all so wonderful - the BEST things have been happening lately and I can't even stand it, it's all so heady and amazing. This blog is going to hardly be my literary best, but if I don't get some of these things out I just might burst.

So let's see...as you've heard - I'm wildly in love with the greatest man I've ever known. My best girl rocks and has some awesome news! :) I get to see 5 plays in one week. They are:
Gee's Bend - saw it, review to come soon
Frog & Toad - saw it, review to come soon
Dinner with Friends
Oleanna
The Merry Wives of Windsor
THEN...in the coming weeks we've also go tickets to Harvey...and we're going to see The Birthday Party...and Doubt. It's a good time for theatre.

So that's all great - but old news, right? Then, on top of that - I start teaching again tomorrow and I can't wait to be back with the little ones. I've added two new classes this session, so things promise to be challenging and exhilarating...

I've actually started making friends in Denver. ...and not just the kind where they're really B's friends, but it works out well that we all enjoy each others company either... some friends to have coffee or a drink with. Some friends to talk girl talk with.

TONIGHT - at midnight, I'm going to lose my Goonies virginity and see it on a big screen with a whole bunch of people who think it's cool to go see the Goonies at midnight on a Friday night. My kind of people indeed!

B. gave me roller skates for my birthday and they're AWESOME. I'm going skating soon - and I can't wait. I don't remember the last time I roller skated, but it was surely too long ago.

"SPRING IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER, TOAD!"

AND...the biggest and the most exciting news of all...we bought our tickets to Ireland today! B's performing in THE ZOO STORY in a tiny coastal town of Ireland with some other lovely Denver friends - and as of today, come hell or high water - we're going. Tickets are bought. We're going to Ireland in August! AWESOME.

In not so awesome news...my Uncle Danny suffered a pretty bad fall and is, as we say in MS, "tore up." They expect him to be unable to move really for about 10 weeks or so...so keep him, A.C. and the kiddos in your thoughts and prayers. They're pretty tough, and we're all so lucky that it wasn't worse - but they could certainly use some grace right about now.

Thanks for paying attention...play reviews and possibly some book reviews coming soon. Look out!

I think I'm gonna like it here...

2008-04-02T16:10:00.004-06:00

So my life is so full of networking right now - which is great, don't get me wrong! And Denver is a place teeming with brilliant, talented, passionate artists who I'm enjoying more and more everyday. The problem I'm having is, the more I network, the more amazing people I meet...who I have no time to actually hang out with and get to know, because I'm too busy networking! HA! It's not such a bad problem really - great people, great minds, great parties, great plays...life is sort of extraordinary!

When I got to Denver, I think I was already planning my escape route - Grad School in 2009, MFA here I come...but the longer I spend here, the less I'm ready to leave again in a year. I've spent most of my 20's leaving places just as I get to know them, and I have a feeling about Denver, I have a feeling that there's a lot I can do here.

Which leads me to the play update for April. What a lot of theatre there is to see!!!
Tonight - Gee's Bend at the Denver Center. And at the Denver Center, in the next 2 weeks, we'll also be checking out Doubt and The Merry Wives of Windsor. The only production I've heard anything about is Merry Wives and that was "Fun Play!' so I'm anxious to see what all there is to see there! I like going to shows at the Denver Center - rarely am I stunned and blown away by their productions, but it's guaranteed to be strong and well produced and certainly worth seeing! PLUS, since we both teach there - tickets are free! YAY! What's better than that?
On Friday at noon, Frog and Toad at Arvada Center. I saw this at the Goodman while I was in Chicago and it was arguably the best children's theatre I've ever seen, so I'm psyched for this!Then, on Monday - Oleanna at the Avenue Theatre with new friend Elgin in it - great reviews from the post and I've loved everything I've seen her in (which admittedly is all children's theatre, so this should be quite a departure!). Then, I've got to find a date to see The Birthday Party at Germinal and Dinner with Friends at Vintage...

THEN...there's an awesome SITI company workshop on 4/20 which I cannot wait for! It's 6 hours of Suzuki and Viewpoints work which promises to wear me out and do some soul and creative rejuvenation that I am in desparate need of! AND...I'm directing one of the Curious New Voices science plays...it's a brilliant little script about government birth control called The 10 Billionth Baby and I'm thrilled for that. It's going to perform at an eco conference in Fort Collins. I'm all over the place :)

Seriously though - life is great. I have a feeling 28 is going to be the best year yet, hands down! B. and I are going with 3 other friends to Ireland to produce The Zoo Story at an outdoor ampitheatre in August...AWESOME!

Speaking of B., I think I may not have really dedicated enough space on this blog to discuss how deeply I am in love with him, and thoroughly amazing it is to get to live with your best friend - to share successes and excitement as well as disappointments and sadness. To get to play together all the time - I have never laughed so much in my life as I have these past almost 9 months...to count on one another when we need help, and to bring joy to one another in all those little ways that you can do in a day - and to realize that while I have only been lucky enough to know this incredible man for just over 2 years...i have never in my life been known and loved by another person in this way...and I can't wait to experience all the rest of my life with him.

I am indeed, a lucky ducky. And I have ALOT to do in the next 48 hours...2 lesson plans, play research...LIFE IS GOOD!

correction...

2008-03-29T17:07:00.002-06:00

she follows her PATH...not her bath...

hmmm. I think a trip to LUSH is in order!

If you're lucky

2008-03-29T16:31:00.002-06:00

This is a blog in tribute to my best girl -Princess Aly of the Princess and the Rockstar fame. I wrote that sentence, and, as it turns out - I'm not even sure how to adequately pay tribute to this woman. She's been my ally (HA!...that's sort of a play on words...HA!), my partner in crime, my conscious, my psychiatric care, and above all - unfailingly - my friend for over half my life. She's gotten me into trouble (okay, a little) - and gotten me OUT of trouble more times than I can count. She never tells me what I want to hear, and yet, somehow, she always says the right thing. Whether catching up over a couple of lattes or watching the sun disappear while we sip wine and laugh - there are very few things in the world that can touch the times that we've shared!

she's an amazing woman. She cares about the world and her community, she remains vigilantly aware and conscious, she's working in the hardest field that I can imagine, and she does it with hope and joy. She loves people, and animals. She's gone through a lot of pain and disenchantment - and she's prevailed, becoming more and more her true self every day that I've known her! She volunteers. And when a really stupid college boyfriend laughed at her ambition to run a marathon - she ran five! And the very best part...the part that I like best :) and what I can't believe most days - is that this singularly remarkable woman really likes me - sometimes even admires me, and that we've had this friendship - despite stupid partners, trying careers, moments where we've lost sight...for so long and through so much.

A few years ago - we'd had a couple of years where we weren't so close. Life happened, you know. But we were both deeply in need...and we caught up with each other on a hill in California...burst simultaneously into tears, and walked quickly and with determination to the bar. That evening will always define our friendship to me. And I hold it close in my heart. I think, in many ways - that's the day that I became a woman, and left my adolescent days behind.

I can't tell you really what the point of this blog is - why it was necessary to get these thoughts out there. Except that I'm just happy. I'm happy that life brought us both to Colorado - I'm happy that I am blessed enough to have a lady like this is in my life - a friend - and to see such a shining example of a woman who truly follows her bath with her eyes wide open. She is in the midst of a wonderful existence, and all the truly beautiful things that she has always deserved are happening - and my wish for her is that they continue everyday. However...for those days when it might not be so blissful - I'll be hanging around with a class or red :)

Congratulations Princess, and thank you.

Tell you what I want, what I really really want...

2008-03-18T21:06:00.002-06:00

yep - I just quoted the spice girls. This is a proud moment.

Here's what I'd like. To come across something, that wasn't meant for me, that said something sweet and wonderful about me. I know, I know, that's just looking for validation, and that's stupid. I'm valid. It would just be nice, that's all.

I'm feeling really stupid and vulnerable and lost today. Good for noone. that's me!

My art is love!

2008-03-14T15:45:00.001-06:00

So - theatre reviews forthcoming...I promise...but FIRST! You have to check out this website - kArtacrossamerica.com. It's amazing. New friend Jeremy is heading this project - he and a partner plan to golf cart across America (48 states!) talking to people about art - the trailer they've put together is really amazing, and I think this is a phenomenal project. Also, B. is in the trailer - actually, B. is all over the trailer - and he's really thoughtful and beautiful. He is art, and beauty... At any rate, go to the website - watch the trailer, a couple of times :), donate to the project, figure out how you can get them coming through YOUR town...for example - they HAVE to go to Vicksburg and the Attic Gallery and Highway 61. Folks there have some ART in their souls...but then, don't we all? What is YOUR art? I think my art is love. I think that's what I'm here for - to love well, to love thoroughly, to create through love, to speak through love - My art is love!

Alright - now down to some other people's art. First of all. The Lieutenant of Inishmore at Curious Theatre. TERRIFIC SHOW! Wildly and raucously funny - Martin McDonagh has really a comic brilliance, and I know it sounds a bit provinical and unworldly of me, but seriously, I think everything must just be funnier with an Irish accent :) The graphic violence and fight choreography/stunts are beautifully executed - and by the time things really start to get out of hand you've already signed on for the ride. You're in this world, and you find yourself laughing uproariously to excessive murder and mayhem. It's a little shocking...but then, that's the point. By the end of the show - having exhausted your belly muscles from laughing, you're left to ponder for a moment - why does it seem so much more heinous to kill the cat? And of course it does. Laura Jo Trexler as the tomboy love interest was my "person to watch" in this cast. A really lovely performance. Honest, simple, and at times both vulnerable and treacherous. Go see this show immediately.

The Gin Game. I'll be honest, I didn't want to go see this show. I was tired, I saw it years ago in Vicksburg - it just didn't get me excited on that particular evening - but man oh man, boy oh boy, was I glad I did. This show was what (almost...I'll get to that in a minute) perfect theatre is supposed to be. Both of the performances were beautiful. Simple, true, so deeply nuanced - and so moving. Jim Hunt is my new favorite artist. His direction of Contrived Ending (which we saw last week, see review below) was all of those things as well, and his performance of Weller was flawlessly blustery and heartbreaking while Patty Figel (?) was everything that Fonzia would be, is, should be... This was my first Paragon production to see and I plan to see everything that they do. Really lovely work. The only disappointment was in the lighting design - which was fine. It didn't compete with the story, it was fine. However, within this particular world, I think there were so many opportunities for time of day to really set the story for us, and that just wasn't taken advantage of. An incredibly minor complaint, only worth noting because everything else in the production was so full of artistry.

There is really good theatre in this town, and it's such a joy to get to take part in it. I can't wait to be making some of it too!

Have an EXTRAORDINARY St. Patrick's day weekend - and hey, take in a show, why don't 'cha!

Upcoming...

2008-03-13T12:02:00.001-06:00

Two new theatre reviews - coming up any day now. I saw Lieutenant of Inishmore TWICE last week - it is a wild and raucously good time...but I promise a more thorough review - with - The Gin Game, which we're going to see tonight. All this theatre, it's good living, that's for sure :)

In other news - things are going pretty spectacularly well. Spring is REALLY JUST AROUND THE CORNER...and I can't wait. I think that Colorado in the spring is going to be more beautiful than I can even comprehend. I can't wait to spend some quality time outside, in this air - in these mountains! In fact, I'm so inspired by the upcoming beauty - that B. and I have decided to have our very first party at our house - to celebrate my birthday. A birthday party! I haven't hosted a birthday party for myself in so long... all this rapture and excitement, I can hardly stand to be as happy as I really am. I keep checking in with myself and saying, "really? are you this happy?" The resounding answer is YES!

Even last night - I was all crampy and grumpy and unhappy (despite starting the day off with two whole hours of Aly and breakfast time!!!...but that was 8 hours previous...) and I got home and was actually able to just relax and let go. Didn't do much - laid around, watched a movie (Moliere...it was pretty good) B and I each made our own dinners to satisfy our cravings, and then read for a couple of hours. It was so good just to feel good in your own skin, your own house, your own life.

This blog seems a little disjointed and uninteresting...but I'm writing it while making calls at work...perhaps I should give a little more attention...next time dear friends, next time.

What a day for a daydream!

2008-03-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well...3 plays down, one more (Lieutenant of Inishmore tonight) to go. Last night it was Contrived Ending by Josh Hartwell and wow - what a treat! I had no idea what to expect really and I was so pleasantly impressed in every direction. The script itself was witty, clever, smart, and thoughtful - if perhaps a little outdated. Actually though, I didn't so much mind that I'd seen the angst ridden 20 something coming of age stories before - I was thoroughly engaged, even when the laughs stopped. The casting was superb. Each actor brought an honesty and comfort with his/her roles that was refreshing and truly delightful to watch. And every character was so fully developed, you really felt something pulling at you hard, for each of them. Something familiar, sometimes uncomfortably so. This cast truly defined the term ensemble, they were as at home with one another and their space as one would expect the characters to be. Individually every one of them broke your heart. The direction by Jim Hunt was breathtakingly simple and truly lovely. It is rare that a director can make things look almost as though they weren't involved, so perfectly told is the story, so devoid of gimmick or style. It was acheived in this production. In fact, every aspect of this night and this theatre worked in tandem with the telling of this story. The technical elements were clear and made the world of the play very so very familiar to us...I was thrilled to enjoy a night of theatre so much -

Good Art, Good Art!

2008-03-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

I'm halfway through my week of 4 plays! Perhaps I should wait until I've seen the other two before writing a little review, but I'm just excited - so perhaps I'll revist them all together in one fell blog swoop...or not... you could always cut and paste and PRETEND that it was all one blog...this one, and the one yet to come...if you're following...

I'm feeling a little stream-of-consciousness today. One thought just follows another with no apparent thread to tie them all together. I'm very tired, and started the day off a little weepy (thanks to B. for being sweet and calm and quiet and settleing my restless mind) at the prospect of yet another day at work. But things just keep getting better and better from there. It's been a fairly lovely day all in all. Well, if the truth be told - it's a pretty miraculous day really, and it's absolutely imperative that I continue to remember that, and stop taking these moments, these days, this glorious existence for granted. I am wildly in love with life - and remembering to lift up a thank you everyday. Thank you.

See...I meant to talk about art...stream-of-consciousness...see what I mean? At any rate, I'm overjoyed to be seeing 4 plays this week. 4 plays, two nights of playing video games, cooking, and chilling with my beloved, and so far two nights of enjoying a little revelry with good theatre friends. Sounds like a banner week to me! Of course, with all this going on - plus a 46 hour work week, it's no wonder I woke up a little weepy :) Wow...I digress AGAIN. ART. I'm talking about ART!

The plays:
The Shape of Things by Neil Labute (starring beloved)
Sleeping Beauty (beloved's in this one too!)
Contrived Ending by Josh Hartwell (a new play by a new friend)
The Lieutenant of Inishmore by Martin McDonagh (new show opening at Curious this week)

So far I've seen The Shape of Things and Sleeping Beauty. Two down, two to go. So...let's talk theatre. I enjoyed both shows thoroughly. Can I just take a minute to talk specifically about B? I am so impressed with both pieces of work. Seeing him do such completely disparate pieces - one is Labute, the other children's theatre...and what a tremendous range he has. Then, noteing the really complex and nuanced work that he does in both - it's just a pleasure to watch him. There is consistently something new to see, he engages you fully in whatever character he's playing, takes you on the ride with him - and he is oh so truthful. I am proud to stand by his side, and mostly, I'm just so happy to get to see good art being made!
THE SHAPE OF THINGS...I have a little trouble with this show. Largely, I'm sure because it's on my list of shows that I REALLY want to direct. I'm pretty possesive about Labute as it is, and I have very particular ideas about this piece myself. Overall, a very decent production - such an intrigueing concept, it's really wild, and really smart! It sort of gets your head all tied up in knots in places. My primary concerns with this production were really mostly centered around technical elements, I felt like there were a lot of elements not really serving the story, and in fact sometimes getting in the actors way. Kudos to the company for producing such a difficult and ultimately really thoughtful play! And B. - WOW - what a tender and provoking journey you take us on. Go see this show. Support art, it's important.
SLEEPING BEAUTY - this production was what I love about children's theatre. It's smart, it doesn't talk down to anyone, it's full of magic - I loved it, hands down! The set is amazing, and if you spent countless childhood hours in magical fairy worlds of your own imagination as I did, it is such a delight to see those worlds come to life. All of the actors were pretty terrifically stellar! I was particularly enchanted with the fairy sequence when Prince Owain and Gryff (the half dragon, half man) are lured into fairy land and tempted to forego their quest and remain there forever. The dancing and singing, the sounds - the energy in this scene was so lyrical. Then, alternately - the chilling Spider King scene was so effective. The juxtaposition of good witch and bad witch carried off with such finesse, and again, lyricism. I can't say enough good things about this production - you should just go see it. Immediately. Walk, don't run.

So...didn't know that I was a theatre critic, huh?

At any rate, if you're still reading - thanks for reading. I'll be back with you soon with a few thoughts on Contrived Ending and Lt. of Inishmore! YAY!

From 0 to B**** in under 60 seconds.

2008-03-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

Amazing to me sometimes how quickly things can spiral totally out of control when I'm involved. On the outside I'm a predominately sane, competent person - but on the inside I'm this shrieking, wailing shrew.

Have you ever had those days? Where everything's going along beautifully, you're enjoying the company, the music, laughter...and then suddenly, without really being completely certain of how you got there, your stomach feels like it's leapt up into your throat, your heart is going to burst out of your chest, and the thoughts inside your head are doing laps so fast to make an Olympic runner blink? It sounds pretty melodramatic to me, and I'm tired of it. I want a little rest from my head.

Today is discouraging. Final performances for the classes that I've been teaching - it seemed a little to me like I failed the kids. They are terrific, and so cute and tremendously funny at every moment - but I think I was a pretty shoddy teacher. I feel bad for them. And I feel "found out"...as in, I've been pretending to be this grown up who can get things done and be depended on - who's sometimes even fairly respected - but now it's all out in the open, I'm discovered.

I think I'd really like to go back to bed - wake up when it's tomorrow and no longer today.

It's not everyday you can say it's today!

2008-02-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

In fact, it's really only once every 1,460 days that you can say it's February 29th - and here it is - today. We're living in a day that we only get to have every 4 years. Yeah, yeah, I know it's got more to do with some archaeic decision of how to measure the moments...or perhaps it's really the most valid scientic designation based on the earth's rotation...either way...it's always seemed bizarrely random to me. And yet, in the days approaching February 29, 2008 - I was struck with the beauty of it, the opportunity. Here's a day that won't occur again for 4 more years. It seems pretty outside of reality. And yet, there folks are, just blindly carrying on, acting as though it's any other day. Like cattle, every four years we adjust our brains to writing 02/29/08 and not thinking twice about it...we just go along with it all, without pausing to think about what a shining and miraculous day it is. (I suppose that could be said about most days though really...)

I, however, am celebrating! I've got my red skirt and new socks on. I spent the morning rocking out to Bonnie and Lucinda, dancing through the yard on a truly spectacular spring-is-nearly-here kind of day! I'm trying something new with my hair. Tonight I get to watch my most brilliant and beautiful beloved open a show that promises to get down deep into your soul, followed by a little booty shaking with Savage Henry! This is a day like none other!

I salute you, Leap Year!

The Times They Are A Changin'

2008-02-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen - my long awaited first blog. Aly (the best friend) has been trying to talk me into this for months, and if truth be told - it's her delightful cyber - space, clementineandmadeleine that finally pushed me to open one up of my own. AND...it's amazing what having a little more time to rejuice creatively can do for a person. I only worked 35 hours this week and it feels like a vacation, I'm dancing around the house, singing songs of my own making, reading everything I can get my hands on - it's good to be back!

So here I am - just another girl, approaching thirtiesh...trying to make some sense of the day to day. Trying not to wax too philosophical, let things get too heavy, or appear too...too. Seeking answers, trying to ascertain whether the questions themselves are immaterial. You know, same old same old.

While standing in the kitchen making spaghetti sauce this evening, I was led to a little reflection of that very first time I attempted my own spaghetti sauce in that little studio kitchen in St. Louis. That night, I didn't know that I was supposed to brown the meat - Being the poor college student that I was though (I'd treated myself to a couple of dollars worth of protein that night, assuming that at least it would provide dinner for more than one night...) I resigned myself to eating it anyway, hours later, after trying the microwave...more cooking...it was a disaster, I spent the rest of the night sitting next to my little studio toilet, threw out the spaghetti sauce in the morning, and never looked back. It's been almost ten years since those days and a lot has changed. Not only do I make a damned good spaghetti sauce now (add a pinch of clove, it's ggggreat!) but I've even managed to extend my menu...a little.

I don't really know what kind of introduction blog this is - or what the rules of blogging are. SHOULD there be an introduction blog? Do I need to tell you about myself? Say something witty and clever to get you on my side? I'm new to all of this, you see. I mean sure - I've done a little blogging around myspace - but that was just amongst friends. This, this is scary, this is out there - this is the great wide open. Are the rules that there are no rules?

I'm beginning to wonder why I felt compelled to write this blog after all. I've had several different thoughts of conception for it. Sometimes I think I'll go all Sex and the City and write about the adventure of dating an actor, moving in together - moving to a new city - and realizing that the most intimate things, like what facial wash he uses, are details shared by all his coworkers. Sometimes I think I might just be looking for some writing practice, or a way to keep up with friends who I don't see much anymore. Or perhaps I'll find some community of people confused about all the same things as me, read: everything and provide some desparately needed forum for us all to air our idosyncracies. Perhaps I just want to write about myself and imagine that there are folks actually interested. Or share those brilliant and profound insights so frequently popping into my head.

I think for now though - this is it. A little bit of everything - and I'm going to try real hard not to judge my sweet little blog, but just let it be, and evolve...the same way my spaghetti did.