So much to tell...and I'm paying by the minute and trying to figure out how to get to London, so it will be brief. Kenny's show on Saturday was brilliant - the weather was even great, and the audience was doubled. People actually DID come both nights, and they're talking about it, and excited about what we did. It was completely gratifying.
We left Baltimore (sadly) this morning, drove to Cork and tried to find a ferry. Hysterical moment where I ran up to check the times and the ferry was closed. D'oh! Eventually, we went back to the original plan...dropped the car off at the airport, and got on a bus to Dublin. Tonight we arrived in Dublin, found a hostel for cheap nearby and are currently working on our plans to get to London in the morning. All these planes, trains, and automobiles (read...buses, traines, and ferrys) are VERY confusing. Still, I'm not concerned...we'll be in Dublin tomorrow - I did manage to book that hostel in advance. Sadly the dorms are separated by gender so I'll have to hang out in the girls dorm...but what can you do? Make more money, I suppose :)
It's truly an adventure and Dublin is BEAUTIFUL! We'll only be here for a few hours tonight, but back on Friday to hang with lovely Rita's sister Elaine and see some of Dublin properly!
I'll write more later once we have wifi in the London hostel! Cheers!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
The land of song and story
It's Saturday, a little after noon - and all the boys are in rehearsal now...so I thought I'd pop up to Casey's Hotel and Pub to use their internet. £2 a half hour, but it's ridiculously faster than the internet connection at our house...so worth it to catch up for a moment. I tried yesterday to upload some pictures at the house, but the connection's too slow...so it may be upon our return before there are pics. Sorry about that :(
At any rate - the version of The Zoo Story that I directed went up last night. Crazy day. We had a really great rehearsal in the morning, except that about 5 pp from the end, it began raining. It rained, and rained, and rained...for the rest of the day. Finally, Kenny and I decided there was no way to perform in the open air ampitheatre, so we made the official call - the performance space would change to the courtyard at the cafe...there's a tarp that covers it (mostly) from the rain. B. and L. came up to check out the space at 6pm...they walked through some of the blocking, then went back to the house to get ready. By this time, it was a wild storm - gale winds blowing, torrential rain, the whole deal. The tarp keeps you mostly dry, but there's nothing to cut down the sounds (amplified by the plastic tarp) or the biting winds. PLUS, we''d never rehearsed in that space. With the storms, we had an intimate house of 9 people. And they LOVED IT! One group stayed for dinner afterwards and spent their entire meal discussing the play. They're coming back tonight to see the other version. Another pair of people stopped B. and L. after the performance and talked to them about it for a good 20 minutes. They loved it. And it was so gratifying to see a performance - with so many challenges built into the atmosphere, that was so well received and spurred so much discussion. I was exceptionally proud of both the actors. They adapted quite well to the space, and the noise...they connected beautifully with one another, and truly told the story.
A little strangely anticlimactic...my show is over. Wow. But it was good - and it reached people. It truly reached people. I'm excited to see how things go this evening. AND...from here on out, for another 8 days - we're on vacation!
We'll stick around in Baltimore until Monday morning (amongst much protest. Jo, one of the Perry sisters, has mounted a campaign to keep us here for the duration of the trip. It's tempting too...on Monday, here at Casey's they have a jam session with musicians from around the area. Jo pulls out her fiddle, Liz and Tessa will play and sing...and who knows what else. THEN, a midnight kayaking trip at Loch Hiyne...a lake that has phospherents (sp?) in it, making it glow at night...yeah, tempting) and then we'll head off to London. I hate to leave it here, but I have to admit, I'm excited for the Globe - we'll get to see AT LEAST a production of Midsummer there, and since I've been reading "The Story of England" I really want to explore The Tower and some of the more historical places that I skipped over the last time I was there. B's going to Stonehenge - WOW - ...THEN, back to Dublin for a couple of days in an Irish city. There are parts of this trip that are a little whirlwind, but I'm loving it.
Last night, after the performance, B., L., Kenny and I hung out with Jo and Tess (we're living at the house with Tess, she came here 11 years ago, planning to stay for the summer, and never left). First we ate at a.mazing dinner at the cafe, hung out, drank some wine, laughed...then up to Casey's pub for a rousing game of Switch. A card game - it's very complicated, but pretty raucous and terrific.
Oh, and the night before - to celebrate L''s birthday (as if dancing on a cliff in the middle of the night wasn't enough), we went to Skibereen to Paragon's pub. Live music (an Irish guy covering American bands) and a game of Cricket on the tv. B. and I were hungry and by the time we got there no one was serving food except for an Indian take out place. It turned out to be an amazing deal - £21 and we got great Chicken Tikka Masala, Naan, and a pizza for B. (they served Indian, Irish, and American food :). The best food deal so far I think...I'm tempted to go back there now!
Every minute is packed with amazing moments. I think that there's something especially magical in the air here. The food at Glebe Gardens is terrific. Jean Petty (mom) gets up at 5am to bake fresh Rosemary rolls with rosemary from the gardens. Last night we had a ravioli, the pasta was made fresh, and Jo had prepared the filling...ricotta, parmesan, mint, thyme...some other things, I don't remember...but all perfect. It's quite simple to imagine coming here for holiday and deciding never to leave.
OH! and the wishing tree...on Thursday, we went to Loch Hiyne, a lake with a forest around it. Kenny walked us all back through the forest where the trees stretch up so high and the like breaks through in quivering squares. It was magical. Then, you come upon this delightful little mark. The Wishing Tree. It's a small tree, with a root system that has created a small pool. And to it, people have attached...anything. Pieces of ribbon, a waterford crystal clock, lighters, rocks, beads, and coins of every nation in the pool. We left a Zoo Story/Pure High flyer and an American coin. I wished for two things.
So that covers the highlights. There's been a lot more tea, wonderful chocolate, some napping, more walking, listening, drinking it in, drinking it up...just basically, the most perfect time you could imagine. I'm off to enjoy some more of it!
At any rate - the version of The Zoo Story that I directed went up last night. Crazy day. We had a really great rehearsal in the morning, except that about 5 pp from the end, it began raining. It rained, and rained, and rained...for the rest of the day. Finally, Kenny and I decided there was no way to perform in the open air ampitheatre, so we made the official call - the performance space would change to the courtyard at the cafe...there's a tarp that covers it (mostly) from the rain. B. and L. came up to check out the space at 6pm...they walked through some of the blocking, then went back to the house to get ready. By this time, it was a wild storm - gale winds blowing, torrential rain, the whole deal. The tarp keeps you mostly dry, but there's nothing to cut down the sounds (amplified by the plastic tarp) or the biting winds. PLUS, we''d never rehearsed in that space. With the storms, we had an intimate house of 9 people. And they LOVED IT! One group stayed for dinner afterwards and spent their entire meal discussing the play. They're coming back tonight to see the other version. Another pair of people stopped B. and L. after the performance and talked to them about it for a good 20 minutes. They loved it. And it was so gratifying to see a performance - with so many challenges built into the atmosphere, that was so well received and spurred so much discussion. I was exceptionally proud of both the actors. They adapted quite well to the space, and the noise...they connected beautifully with one another, and truly told the story.
A little strangely anticlimactic...my show is over. Wow. But it was good - and it reached people. It truly reached people. I'm excited to see how things go this evening. AND...from here on out, for another 8 days - we're on vacation!
We'll stick around in Baltimore until Monday morning (amongst much protest. Jo, one of the Perry sisters, has mounted a campaign to keep us here for the duration of the trip. It's tempting too...on Monday, here at Casey's they have a jam session with musicians from around the area. Jo pulls out her fiddle, Liz and Tessa will play and sing...and who knows what else. THEN, a midnight kayaking trip at Loch Hiyne...a lake that has phospherents (sp?) in it, making it glow at night...yeah, tempting) and then we'll head off to London. I hate to leave it here, but I have to admit, I'm excited for the Globe - we'll get to see AT LEAST a production of Midsummer there, and since I've been reading "The Story of England" I really want to explore The Tower and some of the more historical places that I skipped over the last time I was there. B's going to Stonehenge - WOW - ...THEN, back to Dublin for a couple of days in an Irish city. There are parts of this trip that are a little whirlwind, but I'm loving it.
Last night, after the performance, B., L., Kenny and I hung out with Jo and Tess (we're living at the house with Tess, she came here 11 years ago, planning to stay for the summer, and never left). First we ate at a.mazing dinner at the cafe, hung out, drank some wine, laughed...then up to Casey's pub for a rousing game of Switch. A card game - it's very complicated, but pretty raucous and terrific.
Oh, and the night before - to celebrate L''s birthday (as if dancing on a cliff in the middle of the night wasn't enough), we went to Skibereen to Paragon's pub. Live music (an Irish guy covering American bands) and a game of Cricket on the tv. B. and I were hungry and by the time we got there no one was serving food except for an Indian take out place. It turned out to be an amazing deal - £21 and we got great Chicken Tikka Masala, Naan, and a pizza for B. (they served Indian, Irish, and American food :). The best food deal so far I think...I'm tempted to go back there now!
Every minute is packed with amazing moments. I think that there's something especially magical in the air here. The food at Glebe Gardens is terrific. Jean Petty (mom) gets up at 5am to bake fresh Rosemary rolls with rosemary from the gardens. Last night we had a ravioli, the pasta was made fresh, and Jo had prepared the filling...ricotta, parmesan, mint, thyme...some other things, I don't remember...but all perfect. It's quite simple to imagine coming here for holiday and deciding never to leave.
OH! and the wishing tree...on Thursday, we went to Loch Hiyne, a lake with a forest around it. Kenny walked us all back through the forest where the trees stretch up so high and the like breaks through in quivering squares. It was magical. Then, you come upon this delightful little mark. The Wishing Tree. It's a small tree, with a root system that has created a small pool. And to it, people have attached...anything. Pieces of ribbon, a waterford crystal clock, lighters, rocks, beads, and coins of every nation in the pool. We left a Zoo Story/Pure High flyer and an American coin. I wished for two things.
So that covers the highlights. There's been a lot more tea, wonderful chocolate, some napping, more walking, listening, drinking it in, drinking it up...just basically, the most perfect time you could imagine. I'm off to enjoy some more of it!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
It's All Happening!
We began the trip in a bar in the Denver airport at 11am, the three of us sharing a drink to kick off our trip to Ireland. The idea began over drinks one evening just over four months ago - and here we were! The show is beautiful, and our very own company is taking it to Ireland. Looking at the words, sitting at a computer in Ireland where I just discovered a few key differences, I still can't believe it!
At any rate, the flights were easy. Thirteen hours actually almost flew by. I found it entirely impossible to sleep, but all in all - never really felt the effects of over 24 hours without it. We flew from DIA to Chicago O'Hare...then from Chicago to Dublin...and finally, in a short little 45 minute flight (we barely had time to reach cruising altitude before beginning our descent) we arrived in Shannon, picked up our rental car and we were off! The car is delightfully small, but fit the three of us AND our luggage quite well. It gets amazing gas mileage (or would you say kilometerage?), and as it turns out, the whole "wrong side of the car" thing isn't too hard. Although shifting gears with your left hand just feels wrong and sitting in the front passenger seat is a terrifying experience! Brian drove, without incident - he really is the best driver I know.
We made it to Cork in great time, even stopping at some old castle ruins to take pictures with the cows ambling amongst them, and having a hearty lunch of Sizzling Sirloin Steak (real Irish beef...and it was SIZZLING!...we got some video of the steak!), french fries, mashed potatoes, cooked carrots, and some sort of other vegetable that tasted like an incredibly bland yam at the Roundabout Inn in Mallow.
However, in what should have been an hour and 45 minute drive from Cork to Baltimore - we managed to get so lost, so many times...that it took us almost 5 more hours!! One lane roads (thanks for the advice Rita, they really WON''T get over!), tossing the map aside and using only my compass, and spending 45 minutes unable to leave the town of Dunmanway, driving in endless circles. But finally we made it - arriving in Baltimore and at Glebe Gardens around 7pm on Tuesday evening. If you're going to be wildly lost anyway, I'd recommend West Cork Ireland.
We met up with Kenny right away and first things first, walked down to the space where we'll be performing on Friday and Saturday nights. Stunning. The ampitheatre overlooks the water, and it's so green that it almost looks neon. Then - to the house where we're staying with Tessa and Laura - and back to Glebe Gardens for a barbeque and live music by John Spilirne, a local singer and comedian! It was the perfect welcome to Ireland! I went to bed around 11 that night - although the boys stayed up and went to Casey's, a local pub, for drinks.
Up the next morning at 8am for a trip into Skibereen (only a few miles away) for groceries, postage stamps, etc. Baltimore has one atm, a few b&b's, and about 6 pubs - that, and the most amazing scenery at ever turn that I've ever seen! We had breakfast at a little cafe - I could have stayed there all day, and the tea was divine. Then back to Baltimore for a walk to the beacon - at the top of a cliff, looking right now onto rocky crags below with the ocean beating against them. It was raining and the wind was blowing so hard. I told the boys that that place was my idea of heaven.
Then onto rehearsal - Kenny's version, a quick break for dinner, then mine. There are some things to compensate for - it's tough on their voices, being outside, with the wind blowing...and there's a wonderful dog, Woody, who belongs at the Glebe, and hangs out (usually in the space) at all performances. But after making a few adjustments, we were able to get in a terrifically productive few hours.
Then, while Kenny worked at the Cafe - we went down to the town center, right on the water...a row of 3 pubs and some outside seats to pass out flyers for the show this weekend. We've gotten some good press. Kenny put up posters all over Baltimore and Skibereen...the newspaper is running an ad starting today...and hopefully we'll have nice houses. Although, everyone here is dismayed - it's rained incessantly and they just don't have the tourists down here that they're used to. Baltimore is pretty much a town that makes its yearly income during the three month holiday season, so it really could be bad for them. At any rate, sat outside, shivering, sharing wine and whiskey with some new friends until around 11:30 when the pubs close. Then, Rohan, Kez's fiancee (the three Perry sisters who come home every summer to work at Glebe Gardens with their folks who own it are Jo, Tess, and Kez...then apparently, the Perry's have adopted a number of surrogate children as well who come in from all over the world for these three months to work at the cafe, tend the huge gardens, and facilitate the music and theatre concerts) mentioned to Brian that he was planning on going to the cove to shoot the moon later in the night, and asked if we'd like to join. Would we ever?!
So at 12:30 - Kenny, Laurence, Brian, Rohan, and I loaded up in our little car and drove to this tiny little cove with cliffs on either side and the tide lapping at our feet on a rocky shore. The moon was directly in front of us and straight up, with a direct path of light reaching from the horizon line to our feet. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. They took pictures and I just sat and drank it up. Stunning. I'm finding it difficult to believe that it was real actually. THEN, as the moon passed by that spot (do we ever realize how FAST the moon moves) - we drove to the other side of town, climbed back up the rocky cliffs to the beacon - and began experimenting with light up there. The photos they captured are unbelievable - some of them seeming almost supernatural...and I can't believe it really happened! It has also just turned into Laurence's birthday...what a way to welcome in your Jesus year! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURENCE! Also, it's mine and B''s 2 and a half year anniversary! :)
This morning we all slept later than we intended. The boys woke up and ran straight to rehearsal with Kenny. They'll rehearse for a few hours in the early part of the day...then we'll embark on a short little midday adventure...then back to rehearse with me this evening for a while more. The show goes up tomorrow evening - already, the time is passing too quickly!
I'll write more when I can. Just wanted to let everyone know that we're here, and it's marvelous! I'm off to go write a bit and have some tea! Cheers!
At any rate, the flights were easy. Thirteen hours actually almost flew by. I found it entirely impossible to sleep, but all in all - never really felt the effects of over 24 hours without it. We flew from DIA to Chicago O'Hare...then from Chicago to Dublin...and finally, in a short little 45 minute flight (we barely had time to reach cruising altitude before beginning our descent) we arrived in Shannon, picked up our rental car and we were off! The car is delightfully small, but fit the three of us AND our luggage quite well. It gets amazing gas mileage (or would you say kilometerage?), and as it turns out, the whole "wrong side of the car" thing isn't too hard. Although shifting gears with your left hand just feels wrong and sitting in the front passenger seat is a terrifying experience! Brian drove, without incident - he really is the best driver I know.
We made it to Cork in great time, even stopping at some old castle ruins to take pictures with the cows ambling amongst them, and having a hearty lunch of Sizzling Sirloin Steak (real Irish beef...and it was SIZZLING!...we got some video of the steak!), french fries, mashed potatoes, cooked carrots, and some sort of other vegetable that tasted like an incredibly bland yam at the Roundabout Inn in Mallow.
However, in what should have been an hour and 45 minute drive from Cork to Baltimore - we managed to get so lost, so many times...that it took us almost 5 more hours!! One lane roads (thanks for the advice Rita, they really WON''T get over!), tossing the map aside and using only my compass, and spending 45 minutes unable to leave the town of Dunmanway, driving in endless circles. But finally we made it - arriving in Baltimore and at Glebe Gardens around 7pm on Tuesday evening. If you're going to be wildly lost anyway, I'd recommend West Cork Ireland.
We met up with Kenny right away and first things first, walked down to the space where we'll be performing on Friday and Saturday nights. Stunning. The ampitheatre overlooks the water, and it's so green that it almost looks neon. Then - to the house where we're staying with Tessa and Laura - and back to Glebe Gardens for a barbeque and live music by John Spilirne, a local singer and comedian! It was the perfect welcome to Ireland! I went to bed around 11 that night - although the boys stayed up and went to Casey's, a local pub, for drinks.
Up the next morning at 8am for a trip into Skibereen (only a few miles away) for groceries, postage stamps, etc. Baltimore has one atm, a few b&b's, and about 6 pubs - that, and the most amazing scenery at ever turn that I've ever seen! We had breakfast at a little cafe - I could have stayed there all day, and the tea was divine. Then back to Baltimore for a walk to the beacon - at the top of a cliff, looking right now onto rocky crags below with the ocean beating against them. It was raining and the wind was blowing so hard. I told the boys that that place was my idea of heaven.
Then onto rehearsal - Kenny's version, a quick break for dinner, then mine. There are some things to compensate for - it's tough on their voices, being outside, with the wind blowing...and there's a wonderful dog, Woody, who belongs at the Glebe, and hangs out (usually in the space) at all performances. But after making a few adjustments, we were able to get in a terrifically productive few hours.
Then, while Kenny worked at the Cafe - we went down to the town center, right on the water...a row of 3 pubs and some outside seats to pass out flyers for the show this weekend. We've gotten some good press. Kenny put up posters all over Baltimore and Skibereen...the newspaper is running an ad starting today...and hopefully we'll have nice houses. Although, everyone here is dismayed - it's rained incessantly and they just don't have the tourists down here that they're used to. Baltimore is pretty much a town that makes its yearly income during the three month holiday season, so it really could be bad for them. At any rate, sat outside, shivering, sharing wine and whiskey with some new friends until around 11:30 when the pubs close. Then, Rohan, Kez's fiancee (the three Perry sisters who come home every summer to work at Glebe Gardens with their folks who own it are Jo, Tess, and Kez...then apparently, the Perry's have adopted a number of surrogate children as well who come in from all over the world for these three months to work at the cafe, tend the huge gardens, and facilitate the music and theatre concerts) mentioned to Brian that he was planning on going to the cove to shoot the moon later in the night, and asked if we'd like to join. Would we ever?!
So at 12:30 - Kenny, Laurence, Brian, Rohan, and I loaded up in our little car and drove to this tiny little cove with cliffs on either side and the tide lapping at our feet on a rocky shore. The moon was directly in front of us and straight up, with a direct path of light reaching from the horizon line to our feet. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. They took pictures and I just sat and drank it up. Stunning. I'm finding it difficult to believe that it was real actually. THEN, as the moon passed by that spot (do we ever realize how FAST the moon moves) - we drove to the other side of town, climbed back up the rocky cliffs to the beacon - and began experimenting with light up there. The photos they captured are unbelievable - some of them seeming almost supernatural...and I can't believe it really happened! It has also just turned into Laurence's birthday...what a way to welcome in your Jesus year! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURENCE! Also, it's mine and B''s 2 and a half year anniversary! :)
This morning we all slept later than we intended. The boys woke up and ran straight to rehearsal with Kenny. They'll rehearse for a few hours in the early part of the day...then we'll embark on a short little midday adventure...then back to rehearse with me this evening for a while more. The show goes up tomorrow evening - already, the time is passing too quickly!
I'll write more when I can. Just wanted to let everyone know that we're here, and it's marvelous! I'm off to go write a bit and have some tea! Cheers!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Attitude Adjustment
Some of you may have noticed. I have not been having an easy time of it inside my head. I, as it turns out, have not been happy. Humph. Of course, as always, I was the last to know.
However, upon reflection - I have decided that there is exactly NO reason in the world for me NOT to be happy, to have peace and direction. To be joy, and love. I am those things and more. And furthermore - life is pretty Trrific! I do what I love, I do who I love ;) - and I love where I am. I also began reading The Secret. I don't usually go in for that sort of thing (and I admit, I'm reading it slowly, interspersed with scripts and New Yorkers...a side of cynicism you know, to keep things balanced) but I'm liking it. I wake up every morning and I begin saying thank you - and then I keep saying it all the live long day. I'm like a slightly more fashion conscious monk, walking around all the time chanting, "thank you for..." "Thank you for letting the car place near my work not have time for me so that I got to walk a mile in 90 degree weather to pay $600 and then walk back, thus getting some exercise, time to talk to my sister, and an appreciation for just WHY I need to pay that much money so that my car will run!" That sort of thing, you know?
AND IT WORKS! Weird. I'm happy. And as it turns out, I think I've been happy all along. AND...the other great thing about saying thank you all the time - not only do I appreciate the world and just about everything in it these days - but it doesn't give my KF***ED radio station in my brain (are you Anne Lamott fans?) a chance to bring in all the ugly little "what if's" that it loves to do. I'm too busy saying thank you to hear it.
Of course, I'm willing to admit that this particular joy today just MAY have something to do with the 3 day weekend that I'm about an hour away from!
Happy 4th of July. Did you know that Vicksburg, MS didn't celebrate the 4th until sometime in the 1990's BECAUSE we lost a major siege (that would be the Siege of Vicksburg, folks!) during the Civil War on July 4th. Yep. But then the casinos came in, and they didn't care about that sort of thing. That's where I'm from. :)
However, upon reflection - I have decided that there is exactly NO reason in the world for me NOT to be happy, to have peace and direction. To be joy, and love. I am those things and more. And furthermore - life is pretty Trrific! I do what I love, I do who I love ;) - and I love where I am. I also began reading The Secret. I don't usually go in for that sort of thing (and I admit, I'm reading it slowly, interspersed with scripts and New Yorkers...a side of cynicism you know, to keep things balanced) but I'm liking it. I wake up every morning and I begin saying thank you - and then I keep saying it all the live long day. I'm like a slightly more fashion conscious monk, walking around all the time chanting, "thank you for..." "Thank you for letting the car place near my work not have time for me so that I got to walk a mile in 90 degree weather to pay $600 and then walk back, thus getting some exercise, time to talk to my sister, and an appreciation for just WHY I need to pay that much money so that my car will run!" That sort of thing, you know?
AND IT WORKS! Weird. I'm happy. And as it turns out, I think I've been happy all along. AND...the other great thing about saying thank you all the time - not only do I appreciate the world and just about everything in it these days - but it doesn't give my KF***ED radio station in my brain (are you Anne Lamott fans?) a chance to bring in all the ugly little "what if's" that it loves to do. I'm too busy saying thank you to hear it.
Of course, I'm willing to admit that this particular joy today just MAY have something to do with the 3 day weekend that I'm about an hour away from!
Happy 4th of July. Did you know that Vicksburg, MS didn't celebrate the 4th until sometime in the 1990's BECAUSE we lost a major siege (that would be the Siege of Vicksburg, folks!) during the Civil War on July 4th. Yep. But then the casinos came in, and they didn't care about that sort of thing. That's where I'm from. :)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Too Little Too Late
A few years back, I wronged a girl. A sister, if you will. She handled it beautifully, and said something that has sat with me since then. I introduced myself to her, innocently - and believing that I had all the power - she responded simply with "I know who you are."
I am deeply sorry. My only excuse is youth, inexperience - I didn't yet know what it was to have your heart broken. I hope it's not, but I'm sure the sting is there. Years after I've moved on and found blissful happiness. And I did that.
It's among about 3 things in my life that I truly regret, and absolutely the most heinous of the three.
I am so deeply sorry. I wish I could say it to you.
You gave me the tools to find forgiveness and understanding. I thank you for that. This week I've found the way to forgiveness, to peace. To understanding. It's a hard lesson to learn and tough pill to swallow and every other cliche out there - but I've found it. After hurting in the way that I hurt you.
Thank you, and I'm sorry, N.
I am deeply sorry. My only excuse is youth, inexperience - I didn't yet know what it was to have your heart broken. I hope it's not, but I'm sure the sting is there. Years after I've moved on and found blissful happiness. And I did that.
It's among about 3 things in my life that I truly regret, and absolutely the most heinous of the three.
I am so deeply sorry. I wish I could say it to you.
You gave me the tools to find forgiveness and understanding. I thank you for that. This week I've found the way to forgiveness, to peace. To understanding. It's a hard lesson to learn and tough pill to swallow and every other cliche out there - but I've found it. After hurting in the way that I hurt you.
Thank you, and I'm sorry, N.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Panic is setting in.
I know that I have trouble keeping perspective on things. "This too shall pass"...I KNOW it, of course - but in that moment when everything inside seems twisted outside and I just want to scream and tear at my hair and generally melt down, it's not so helpful - those things that I rationally know. So these days I'm having a little trouble keeping the panic down somewhere around belly level - not letting it surge up into my chest, my throat, finally spewing tragically out of my mouth. Incidentally, my stomach's hurt for days - but I have a feeling that's better than letting loose my demons, my internal disasters on the entire world. What might feel good is curling up in a ball and crying for a few weeks. It most likely would feel awful though, as those things do - puffy face all stopped up, red, and blotchy - eyes worn out and dried out -
Usually, if I can pull the thought train up to a stop right around this point, I can take a deep breath, blow out the smoke, and come back to myself, to the world of enjoying the small miracles, the everyday joy of living. But not always - I'm trying it right now and it doesn't seem to be working. I'd like to start shrieking and crying in fact. I won't. But that's where I am.
I'm sleepy. I'm working too many jobs and I've been working too many jobs for too long and I'm highly educated (not TOO highly...), I'm talented, I'm hard working - and I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself - working myself to the bone for a few dollars here, someone throwing me a little bone there...it's pathetic. And I'm acting as though I'm a worker bee. Like I have nothing true to offer but all of my time and energy. And of course, everyone works their asses off, but often people get to at least enjoy a beer after work with their colleagues. I, on the other hand - have to run off to another job - never getting to enjoy or reap the benefits of the inside jokes, the comradery of working your asses off together.
I get one day off a week (most of the time) - and lately, B. has been working especially hard on those days. Which means I virtually never see him.
I'm feeling more outside of things than ever. I'm exhausted, and can't seem to figure out a practical way NOT to be exhausted. I don't have five minutes for a phone call with a friend, much less an actual social encounter. I'm an outsider - everywhere I am, and I just want to go inside - curl up, share a cup of coffee and a laugh.
I miss those days - the days of sharing things.
Usually, if I can pull the thought train up to a stop right around this point, I can take a deep breath, blow out the smoke, and come back to myself, to the world of enjoying the small miracles, the everyday joy of living. But not always - I'm trying it right now and it doesn't seem to be working. I'd like to start shrieking and crying in fact. I won't. But that's where I am.
I'm sleepy. I'm working too many jobs and I've been working too many jobs for too long and I'm highly educated (not TOO highly...), I'm talented, I'm hard working - and I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself - working myself to the bone for a few dollars here, someone throwing me a little bone there...it's pathetic. And I'm acting as though I'm a worker bee. Like I have nothing true to offer but all of my time and energy. And of course, everyone works their asses off, but often people get to at least enjoy a beer after work with their colleagues. I, on the other hand - have to run off to another job - never getting to enjoy or reap the benefits of the inside jokes, the comradery of working your asses off together.
I get one day off a week (most of the time) - and lately, B. has been working especially hard on those days. Which means I virtually never see him.
I'm feeling more outside of things than ever. I'm exhausted, and can't seem to figure out a practical way NOT to be exhausted. I don't have five minutes for a phone call with a friend, much less an actual social encounter. I'm an outsider - everywhere I am, and I just want to go inside - curl up, share a cup of coffee and a laugh.
I miss those days - the days of sharing things.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
10 years later...
Things are going beautifully - Summer's here(ish)...I'm learning to always add that "ish" since I've lived here...in gorgeous Colorado. I went to my first Red Rocks concert with new and dear friend Kate on Tuesday. It was REM, Modest Mouse and The Nationals. What an amazing place - it's like all your dreams come true. You know how, you see something absolutely beautiful, you're standing in a moment of true natural beauty...and you're thinking "all this is so perfect, it could only be SLIGHTLY better if there was a soundtrack...some live music..." Well, when you're in Red Rocks - you don't have to think that. And there is this huge hill of beautiful people, and there are stuffed pretzels :), and you're sharing it with a good friend, and life is good. Yeah. That's what it's like - it's like all the best things in life at once. That's Red Rocks.
Things are constantly busy - I'm directing a short piece for the TCG convention, and that's amazing. Next week is the convention and that promises to be incredible, invigorating, and incredibly sleepless :) Yesterday I had training for the Denver Center's summer program - it's a little strange not to be IN CHARGE of the summer camp, I have to admit - but this program is amazing, it's a well oiled machine and I can't wait to do it, and learn so much.
Brian's shooting a bunch of films, and today a wedding, AND rehearsing non stop for The Zoo Story...oh! I start MY Zoo Story rehearsals in two weeks as well. Wow - where does time go? Before we know it, we'll be returning from Ireland and ready to get going on the next big project!
Yeah - life is good. And I'm 28 this year. I always thought I'd be having babies by the time I was 28 - but then you know, life happens, and I couldn't be happier about where it's brought me. It is, however, the year of the high school reunions. My Vicksburg reunion (Warren Central High School - the Vikings) was Memorial Day weekend. I didn't go. I considered it, for a minute, but I didn't even graduate from that school anyway - ultimately, I caught up on some hours at Oilily - and called it a holiday :) However, MSMS reunion is in October - and before that - the girls of the classes of '97 and '98 are having a weekend reunion as well. I really kind of want to go to both. I was looking at pictures today and suddenly couldn't remember my senior prom. I think that had a lot to do with the lemon drops that Bri and I were shooting in the bathroom (is there a statue of limitations on confession for that sort of thing??)... Let's see - my date was John Imes. We'd been going out for a month or so, but he'd just left me for another Kate (last name, don't currently remember...she became a photographer, we met up again years later when she was shooting for the JFP...cool girl, certainly not worth the bad feelings I held for her). Still, we decided to go to prom together - mostly it was about my girls - Breezy, Julie, Lauren, Anna (were we still friends then, or had things gone sour?) We called ourselves B.I.T.C.H. - and we were. Absolutely. Funny all the things that seemed so important then. I think that Prom was at the Air Force base...dinner beforehand??? can't remember... Party afterwards? REALLY can't remember...I'm sure it was at a hotel somewhere, yes? After the '97 prom debacle with my mom - everything else sort of pales... I remember my dress - hideous - pale purple, actually a bridesmaids dress, but we finally bought it after hours of searching to no avail. The pictures are ludicrous. John Imes was about 5 feet tall. I am about 6 feet tall. The photographer had me stand behind me with my arms over his shoulders - he looks effiminate, I look amazonian - not the way an 18 year old girl imagines herself at all. Senior prom was sort of a disastrous memory all around. And yet, a fond one.
As, it turns out, are most of my MSMS memories. I remember that it was often terrible - getting by on no more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, working harder than I've ever worked before or since, knowing that I was rushing harder and faster at actually FAILING chemistry no matter what I did...heartache, heartbreak, the gossip and the tole that it was taking on all of us. The sadness when your friends broke under it, the seeming intolerance and rigid dictatorship of dorm rules, the absolute frustration of indorm, any punishment, when you were already under so much. I KNOW THAT. I know that sometime in my senior year I started driving home every weekend just to sleep for days at a time, I know that I begged my parents to let me come home sometimes (they would have, if I'd meant it), and cried in the middle of classes. And YET, despite all of that. I loved it there - I loved that time, and I have nothing but fond memories of MSMS. My beautiful, dear Julesberry just found me on facebook and we've exchanged a few emails. It makes me happy - nostalgic - and glad to share these particular memories with these particular people.
Getting my first tattoo, then sneaking over to my favorite teacher's house to show her (they filled up a beer huggie with candies and sang Happy Birthday). Sneaking out with Tanya and Carson during the letter ceremony to get Happy Hour Sonic Rte 44 Fresh Lime Slushes. Drama conventions, roommates, meals in the cafeteria (thankfully the only time in my life I've routinely eaten my meals in any type of cafeteria), East Bank, West Bank, Lake Lowndes, Ann Lee's - just getting in the car on Friday evening and knowing that you had approximately 6 hours (depending on your priviledge plan) of your own - amazing how memories start to flood back as you begin to think about it, write about it.
I probably won't make it back for the reunions. Lame, probably - but there's so much PRESENT life going on, who can take the time to look backwards? Still, I bet I can make an hour or two to sit down and go through my old scrapbook.
Things are constantly busy - I'm directing a short piece for the TCG convention, and that's amazing. Next week is the convention and that promises to be incredible, invigorating, and incredibly sleepless :) Yesterday I had training for the Denver Center's summer program - it's a little strange not to be IN CHARGE of the summer camp, I have to admit - but this program is amazing, it's a well oiled machine and I can't wait to do it, and learn so much.
Brian's shooting a bunch of films, and today a wedding, AND rehearsing non stop for The Zoo Story...oh! I start MY Zoo Story rehearsals in two weeks as well. Wow - where does time go? Before we know it, we'll be returning from Ireland and ready to get going on the next big project!
Yeah - life is good. And I'm 28 this year. I always thought I'd be having babies by the time I was 28 - but then you know, life happens, and I couldn't be happier about where it's brought me. It is, however, the year of the high school reunions. My Vicksburg reunion (Warren Central High School - the Vikings) was Memorial Day weekend. I didn't go. I considered it, for a minute, but I didn't even graduate from that school anyway - ultimately, I caught up on some hours at Oilily - and called it a holiday :) However, MSMS reunion is in October - and before that - the girls of the classes of '97 and '98 are having a weekend reunion as well. I really kind of want to go to both. I was looking at pictures today and suddenly couldn't remember my senior prom. I think that had a lot to do with the lemon drops that Bri and I were shooting in the bathroom (is there a statue of limitations on confession for that sort of thing??)... Let's see - my date was John Imes. We'd been going out for a month or so, but he'd just left me for another Kate (last name, don't currently remember...she became a photographer, we met up again years later when she was shooting for the JFP...cool girl, certainly not worth the bad feelings I held for her). Still, we decided to go to prom together - mostly it was about my girls - Breezy, Julie, Lauren, Anna (were we still friends then, or had things gone sour?) We called ourselves B.I.T.C.H. - and we were. Absolutely. Funny all the things that seemed so important then. I think that Prom was at the Air Force base...dinner beforehand??? can't remember... Party afterwards? REALLY can't remember...I'm sure it was at a hotel somewhere, yes? After the '97 prom debacle with my mom - everything else sort of pales... I remember my dress - hideous - pale purple, actually a bridesmaids dress, but we finally bought it after hours of searching to no avail. The pictures are ludicrous. John Imes was about 5 feet tall. I am about 6 feet tall. The photographer had me stand behind me with my arms over his shoulders - he looks effiminate, I look amazonian - not the way an 18 year old girl imagines herself at all. Senior prom was sort of a disastrous memory all around. And yet, a fond one.
As, it turns out, are most of my MSMS memories. I remember that it was often terrible - getting by on no more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, working harder than I've ever worked before or since, knowing that I was rushing harder and faster at actually FAILING chemistry no matter what I did...heartache, heartbreak, the gossip and the tole that it was taking on all of us. The sadness when your friends broke under it, the seeming intolerance and rigid dictatorship of dorm rules, the absolute frustration of indorm, any punishment, when you were already under so much. I KNOW THAT. I know that sometime in my senior year I started driving home every weekend just to sleep for days at a time, I know that I begged my parents to let me come home sometimes (they would have, if I'd meant it), and cried in the middle of classes. And YET, despite all of that. I loved it there - I loved that time, and I have nothing but fond memories of MSMS. My beautiful, dear Julesberry just found me on facebook and we've exchanged a few emails. It makes me happy - nostalgic - and glad to share these particular memories with these particular people.
Getting my first tattoo, then sneaking over to my favorite teacher's house to show her (they filled up a beer huggie with candies and sang Happy Birthday). Sneaking out with Tanya and Carson during the letter ceremony to get Happy Hour Sonic Rte 44 Fresh Lime Slushes. Drama conventions, roommates, meals in the cafeteria (thankfully the only time in my life I've routinely eaten my meals in any type of cafeteria), East Bank, West Bank, Lake Lowndes, Ann Lee's - just getting in the car on Friday evening and knowing that you had approximately 6 hours (depending on your priviledge plan) of your own - amazing how memories start to flood back as you begin to think about it, write about it.
I probably won't make it back for the reunions. Lame, probably - but there's so much PRESENT life going on, who can take the time to look backwards? Still, I bet I can make an hour or two to sit down and go through my old scrapbook.
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